Dear Anna,

I'm at my wit's end with my partner’s extreme focus on achieving FIRE (financial independence, retire early). What started as a healthy interest in personal finance has turned into an all-consuming obsession. We're both 29 and have lived together the last year. My boyfriend has become fixated on retiring by 35, which means saving 70% of our combined income. Every purchase is scrutinized — last week, I was lectured for buying a name-brand cereal. He tracks everything in multiple spreadsheets and has turned down vacations — even to see family — because they're "unnecessary expenses." He has also suggested we move in with his parents for two years to maximize savings, despite us having a comfortable apartment we love. I do not want to do this! At all!

I understand wanting financial security, but I feel like we're not living in the present. We both make good money (combined income of $220,000), have no debt besides a car payment, and already have healthy retirement accounts. I can’t take much more of this, but other than this, he’s a solid and dependable partner. I’m not willing to throw in the towel over this, but how can I get him to slow his darn roll? — Budgeting Until Retirement's Not Today

Dear BURNT,

You both make six figures and he’s lecturing you over cereal? And here I thought eggs would be the foodstuff that breaks couples apart.

This all sounds like A LOT. Planning for the future is great, and FIRE goals can be fun and inspiring, but when someone's sugary breakfast treat leads to a speech, we've crossed from "financially savvy" into "OK, this might be about something deeper."

When people get this laser-focused on future security, it usually means they're dealing with some bigger anxieties. Has your partner talked about why he's so hellbent on retiring at 35? Is his job making him miserable? Did he grow up poor? Are his parents or family members struggling to make ends meet and he wants to make sure he can help care for them?

Knowing the why can help you understand a little better where this urge to penny-pinch is coming from. That said, criticizing your purchases, suggesting dramatic lifestyle changes without consideration for your feelings, and saying no to anything fun that costs money crosses the line from financial prudence into controlling behavior — especially when you're both pulling in good money, you're being smart with savings, and you've got no major debt hanging over your heads.

Like, what even?

TL;DR: A healthy partnership requires shared decision-making, especially when it comes to money.

Here's how you might approach this situation:

Grab a bottle of wine (or water, I guess — let’s not go nuts) and have a different kind of money talk. Skip the spreadsheets. Instead, play a game of "what if?" What would he actually do if he retired at 35? What's your dream life look like? Sometimes when we dig into these FIRE fantasies, we find out it's less about quitting work and more about wanting freedom to try new things — stuff you might be able to start doing now.

Try breaking your money into three buckets:

—Future you money (retirement, investments)

—Boring-but-important money (rent, utilities, groceries)

—Living life money (fun stuff, date nights, seeing friends)

Maybe suggest a deal: You'll get on board with aggressive saving if he'll agree to a no-questions-asked monthly fun budget. Because let's be real — what's the point of retiring early if you've spent your young years eating ramen and turning down every chance to make memories?

If he's still stuck in miser mode, it might be worth chatting with a financial adviser. Sometimes people need to hear from a pro that it's OK to spend money on living your life. You can be smart with money without turning into Scrooge McDuck.

And here's another option that might ruffle some feathers: you could just ... opt out of combining finances altogether. Seriously. Beyond the basic shared expenses like rent, utilities and groceries, you could keep your money separate. Split the necessities fairly, then manage your own money how you see fit. This isn't being selfish — it's acknowledging that you both have different relationships with money. He can pursue FIRE with his income and live with his parents if he wants, while you maintain a more balanced approach with yours. Sometimes the best compromise is agreeing to disagree and maintaining healthy boundaries.

Bottom line? You're not crazy for wanting to actually enjoy your life while you're living it. The best financial plan in the world isn't worth much if you're miserable following it. Life is so much more than a fat bank account and a collection of sad, off-brand Crisp Rice Puffies.

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