Dear Anna,

Three months ago, I excitedly agreed to be the maid of honor in my college roommate's destination wedding next summer, assuming it would involve standard expenses. Fast forward to now, and I'm realizing I cannot afford the costs: a specific designer bridesmaid dress, mandatory professional hair and makeup, the flight and five-day stay at the luxury resort venue, the bachelorette weekend, plus various shower contributions and an expected gift. It’s tipping toward $3,000 in costs and there are still more expenses coming. I'm a public school teacher who simply cannot afford this without going into serious debt. I've tried hinting about my financial concerns, but my friend seems oblivious and keeps adding requirements. We've been close for 12 years and I don't want to hurt her, but I'm seriously considering backing out of the wedding party. Is there any way to do this without destroying our friendship? — Mired Awkwardly In Debt

Dear MAID,

Did you know that, historically, bridesmaids* were once expected to give their life for the bride-to-be? In medieval times, they dressed similarly to brides and wore veils to confuse potential kidnappers (and evil spirits) who might try to harm the bride or steal her dowry. While today's ceremonies are far less harrowing, the high cost is still very real, as you’re encountering.

What was once a simple honor has evolved into a multi-thousand-dollar commitment that many can't reasonably afford. Your financial concerns are valid, and addressing them doesn't make you a bad friend.

Here are some ways to navigate this delicate situation:

Have a direct, private conversation. Request a one-on-one coffee date or video call specifically for this discussion. Texting or group settings won't work for sensitive financial conversations. Start with genuine excitement about her special day before transitioning to your concerns.

Open up about your money situation. Rather than saying something like "Your wedding is breaking my bank," try something more personal: "I'm struggling to keep up with the wedding costs. On my teacher's salary, these expenses are forcing me to consider debt I really can't afford right now." This keeps the conversation about your reality instead of making her feel judged for her lavish wedding choices.

Offer alternatives rather than just backing out. Perhaps you could: wear a similar but less expensive dress, do your own hair and makeup, stay at a nearby budget hotel, or attend the wedding but skip the bachelorette weekend. Make it clear you're trying to find solutions that allow you to support her without maxing out your credit cards.

Be prepared for her reaction. She might be disappointed, defensive or even angry initially. Wedding planning is emotional, and your friend may have built expectations around your participation. Give her space to process, but stand firm in your financial boundaries.

Consider a heartfelt compromise. If stepping down is truly necessary, offer to take on a different role that doesn't require the same financial investment — perhaps doing a reading during the ceremony or helping with DIY projects before the big day.

Remember that true friendship survives honesty. A friend who values your relationship over wedding aesthetics will work to find a solution. If she can't respect your financial boundaries, that reveals something important about the friendship itself.

Most importantly, act now. The longer you wait, the harder this becomes. Addressing it months in advance gives everyone time to adjust plans and emotions.

Your friend chose you for her wedding party because she values you. Trust that your relationship can withstand an honest conversation about financial realities. The “perfect” wedding isn't worth going into debt or a damaged friendship.

———

*The best man did not get a break here either. He was called thus because he was expected to be the best swordsman in your posse in order to defend against attackers. #TheMoreYouKnow

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