For years, I’ve worked with clients who come to me saying the same thing: “I just can’t find the right person.” When I dig a little deeper, a common theme appears — they’re clinging to a very specific idea of who their “type” is. (It often starts with a physical attribute, but it goes beyond that, too.)

And here’s the kicker: That type is often the exact reason they’re single. But, if you rethink your approach to dating a bit and question your patterns, it might open doors you didn’t know existed.

The Trap of "Not My Type"

I watch my clients use dating apps all the time, swiping left (as in, not interested) with reckless abandon. It’s frustrating! Think about it: How many times have you looked at someone’s profile and thought, “Nah, they’re just not my type”? I’ll be the first to say that it’s certainly OK to have preferences. But when those preferences turn into hard-and-fast rules (that you often can’t know from looking at one picture), you could be closing yourself off to incredible possibilities.

One specific client in LA comes to mind. She swore up and down that she wasn’t interested in men who were shorter than 5-foot-10. (Don’t even get me started on some people’s height “requirements.”) I challenged her to let go of that limitation… for just one date. Well, she ended up meeting someone amazing who was “only” 5-foot-8. In her follow-up survey that I sent after the date, she said, “I’ll admit, I probably would have swiped left purely because of height, but I’m really happy I went. He has a very calming energy, and we felt immediately comfortable. His dog is adorable, and he seems to be at a very stable point in his life, which is very attractive. We discussed the game Rummikub, and he downloaded the app on his phone and invited me to play him virtually last night—super cute. He’s very kind and secure, which is attractive.”

When we set arbitrary boundaries based on height, hobbies or even hair style, we’re limiting ourselves more than we realize.

When Matches Don’t Work Out: Questions to Ask Yourself

If you feel like every match you meet just isn’t working out, it’s time to look inward. I’ve often found that frustration in dating stems from repeated patterns we’re not fully aware of.

Ask yourself:

Am I chasing situations I know aren’t right for me? Sometimes we’re drawn to the same type of person, even when we know it’s a recipe for disaster.

Am I holding on to people for too long? Not every connection is meant to last, and that’s OK.

Am I undervaluing myself? If you’re accepting the bare minimum because you don’t think you deserve more, that’s a red flag—for yourself.

Am I projecting my past onto new people? It’s easy to assume history will repeat itself, but new people deserve a clean slate.

It’s not about placing blame but about taking responsibility for the patterns you can control. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step to breaking the cycle.

"All People Are Different People"

In the wise words of "Ted Lasso" (yes, I’m quoting TV here), “All people are different people.” It’s such a simple phrase, but it’s packed with meaning. Every person you meet brings their own unique history, quirks and potential. Just because one person with a certain job, hobby, or personality trait didn’t work out doesn’t mean the next one won’t.

Too often, we generalize. We lump people into categories based on past experiences, forgetting that each individual deserves their own chance to shine.

The Beauty of Breaking Your Own Rules

One of my favorite success stories involves a client who had a “no lawyers” rule. She’d dated a lawyer before, and it hadn’t ended well. But after some nudging, she agreed to meet one… and now they’re married. It’s not that lawyers are inherently good or bad partners—it’s that she allowed herself to see beyond a single past experience.

Every time you break one of your own, often unsubstantiated, dating rules, you’re giving yourself a chance to grow. Maybe you’ll learn something new about what you want. Maybe you’ll realize a rule was serving as more of a defense mechanism than an actual dealbreaker. Who knows?

Moving Forward

The path to finding the right person starts with you. By letting go of perhaps arbitrary ideas about who your type is and looking at your patterns, you’ll open yourself up to connections you never thought possible.

©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC