As a professional in the dating industry, I received a lot of questions over the last week or so about what I thought about the new movie "Materialists." IMDB describes the movie as, “A young, ambitious New York City matchmaker finds herself torn between the perfect match and her imperfect ex.” But, I was less interested in the plot of the movie, which, in my opinion, was light and predictable, and was more interested in the depiction of the matchmaking industry, which I’ve been a part of since 2011.

From this perspective, the movie actually got a lot of things right, for better or for worse:

1. The depiction of people’s often unrealistic expectations in a partner

When I work with a client, we, of course, have to discuss the client’s preferences for their partner—everything from physical attributes (which I’ll get to in the next point) to personality traits (which are nearly impossible to determine from a short profile) to job type and education level. And many are reaching. What do I mean by that? They want someone at their perceived level … but just a little bit better. Many think that because they have earned a certain status in life, be it salary or otherwise, that entitles them to something—someone of a certain financial level, someone of a certain age, someone of a certain fitness level, and the list goes on. But the thing is, you did those things for you. Not so you’re now eligible for the next level of partner, whatever that means to you. As I say often, you have to hold yourself to the same standard as the person you’re looking for. Some do, and some don’t, the latter being a major frustration point for anyone—in the movie’s case, the matchmaker—trying to find them a partner… or even just a date. If they don’t think anyone is “good enough” for them, the chance of success will be low.

2. The depiction of the over-importance that many women put on men’s height and salary and many men put on women’s age and body

I wish this weren’t the case. Every day, a woman tells me she wants someone over 6 feet tall or who makes over a certain amount of money a year. And every day, a man tells me he’d never date someone his own age or someone who’s “big.” It hurts my ears. I find myself rattling off statistics often—only 13.9% of men in the U.S. are 6-foot or taller, and just shy of 4% are 6-foot-2 and up. I urge them not to limit their dating pool right off the bat. And with some clients, if they allow me to push them a bit, I dig deeper into the “why” behind their choices. (This is where, like in the movie, it often feels like it overlaps with therapist territory. I am clear with my clients that I am not a therapist, but it does often feel like a therapy session.) If I’m able to open someone’s eyes to the world outside of their initial preferences—which are often unsubstantiated—then I feel that I’ve done my job. The matchmaker in the movie did try, on occasion, to sway people but rarely had success. And, because she was working for a large company, she likely was under instruction to simply find a person who the client asked for. I’m lucky I have no such protocol. Though, I did love the scene where she broke down and said, “This isn’t Build-a-Man!” There are so many times I’ve wanted to yell that. Luckily, my ability to bite my tongue won out.

3. The casual prejudice many use in describing who they are looking for

On the one hand, I love that clients feel comfortable enough with me to tell me who they will and won’t date. On the other, I sometimes hate it. I have heard entirely too many times, “All ___ are ___.” Generalization upon generalization has come across my ears. Again, if a client allows me, we delve into it. But if the prejudice (or racism… let’s call it what it is) is so cavalier, I will actually let a client go because I don’t feel that I can vouch for them since their values differ so much from my own. Again, I’m in a lucky position that I can do this in that I run my own business. The matchmaker in the movie didn’t have that freedom, as she worked for a company and is assigned clients.

4. A client’s happiness with me or my services/advice being tied to how well or poorly their most recent date went

I often end coaching sessions with a client feeling empowered, which I love! I might get a “thank you” text or email, telling me they’re glad I pushed them. Then, if even the next day, they go on a less-than-great date, I get another text: “Ugh! It’s not working! I hate dating. None of our work paid off.” It’s a roller coaster, and honestly, I don’t want to be on it. I understand that dating has its ups and downs, of course—as does life—but I urge everyone to remember that dating is a cumulative process, and no singular date represents your dating life. Or your matchmaker’s abilities. We can’t know what will happen on a date, so we use our expertise and best judgment.

In many ways, "Materialists" shed light on some less glamorous things about the industry. But, for every one of those, there’s a success story (in whatever form success comes in for the individual client), beautiful photo of a couple I helped, or a story of someone feeling more empowered in their dating life.

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