'i'm So Sorry That I Can't Make It'
DEAR MISS MANNERS: While acknowledging gratitude for being invited to quite a few social events, how do I decline an invitation that I have little interest in attending? (Yes, I gladly attend special birthday celebrations and all 50th wedding anniversaries.)
"I'm sorry, I can't make it" is honest, but does etiquette require valid reasons for absences? Such as, "Sorry, I'm having a baby that day" instead of, "No thanks, I'm not interested."
"I'm sorry, I'm under the weather" might be OK to use (in truth, we are all "under" the weather), but only as a last-minute excuse, not for an advanced RSVP. I trust you understand my quandary.
GENTLE READER: Use any of those excuses, and someone is bound to post a picture of you enjoying yourself elsewhere, even if you were just caught with a fleeting smile on your way to the grocery store.
It is for that reason -- and we can throw in a moral one for free -- that Miss Manners counsels that if you do not have a presentable excuse, you should not claim one.
You are required to express thanks at being invited and regret at not being able to accept. (You do have some regret, don't you? Well, conjure some up, even if you are sorry only about the inability to be frank.)
Most hosts are satisfied with that -- and probably grateful to get any definite answer. Should one be so rude as to ask why you cannot attend, just keep repeating the formula ("You're so kind to invite me; I'm so sorry I can't go") until you get a surrender.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: For 15 years, since our two daughters have had partners whom they married, my husband and I chose to have Thanksgiving dinner on Friday so our kids could spend Thursday with their in-laws.
This year, our younger daughter announced that she was starting her own family tradition and having Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday at her newly purchased home. We were invited to attend. She said she would be too tired to come to our dinner on Friday.
This daughter and her husband have also counted the number of times my husband and I have visited them, and decided that they want "one more visit per year" in the interest of "the importance of family." Any advice?
GENTLE READER: Yes: Go to your younger daughter's for Thanksgiving on Thursday, and tell her you would be delighted to plan another visit. Your Friday Thanksgivings were kindly done for your children's convenience, and surely you are not trying to claim them as an inviolable tradition.
Miss Manners is guessing that the problem has to do with the other daughter's Thanksgiving. The younger one has probably not invited her sister's extended family.
In that case, you will be consuming a lot of turkey and cranberry sauce. Your daughters have been doing double Thanksgivings for years -- as do many who can't assemble their families for whatever reason -- so you know it won't kill you.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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