Grown Kids Need To Pitch In
DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the past 15 years or so, my wife and I have been hosting a potluck feast for Thanksgiving, with about 30 friends and family joining us at our house.
In our invitation, we announce that we're supplying the turkey, soft drinks, booze and a few other staples, and ask others to bring an appetizer, side dish, dessert, etc. We even circulate a sign-up spreadsheet to keep things organized.
Years ago, when we began this tradition, everyone's kids were teenagers and weren't expected to contribute. But now they're in their late 20s with good jobs, apartments, fiances and significant others, and they still don't contribute. They literally step out of their cars empty-handed.
I guess we could put everyone's name on the spreadsheet and ask them to indicate what they're bringing, but we haven't done that in the past. We prefer to keep it casual.
I don't want to call anyone out or make them feel uncomfortable, and it's fine if not everyone brings something, but I would like the younger generation to start pitching in. How can I encourage them to contribute without creating an awkward situation?
GENTLE READER: Say to each of the parents what you just said to Miss Manners: the bit about how you think it is time for the younger generation to contribute, but you understand if there are exceptions and do not want anyone to feel singled out. Then leave them to speak with their children.
If this sounds simple, be warned: There are traps. Parents faced with memories of trying to get rooms cleaned or homework done are likely to embrace any suggestion that would relieve them of responsibility -- such as your idea to modify the sign-up sheet.
Note that you are not spared from calling your own children. If they do not show up bearing food, any progress will be resented.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in an upscale restaurant and the 20-something server totally messed up. The appetizers never arrived, our order was incorrect, etc.
The young woman gave a half-hearted apology that mostly blamed the kitchen. Then she just stood there, waiting for my response.
Other than, "Yes, you did a terrible job," what could I say? It seems that young people want to hear "That's OK," but bad service is not OK. How should one respond?
GENTLE READER: The proper response lies between those two extremes. By saying, "Thank you for your apology," you accept it without suggesting that the infraction was unimportant. But you also avoid the equally ineffective -- not to mention rude -- trap of criticizing the apology or repeating the complaint.
Miss Manners acknowledges that the apology was shabby, but pointing this out will neither improve the young lady's work ethic nor increase her propensity to take responsibility in the future. Treating it as a proper apology leaves her with no doubt that you are aware things went badly wrong, and you generously see her as having accepted responsibility for it.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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