ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When sharing stories, anecdotes or facts in conversation, I usually cite my source. For example, I might say, "I recently read an op-ed in (newspaper) by (author) where they said ..."

But in my attempt to give credit where credit is due, I feel that I'm coming off as elitist and/or condescending. What is your opinion on when it is appropriate to cite a source in conversation?

GENTLE READER: In the current climate, "I read it somewhere ..." tends to be code for, "Someone made up something with which I agree, so it must be true."

Miss Manners commends you, therefore, on your ability to cite and recall a reputable source. While stating it explicitly may come off sounding a bit academic in casual conversation, she will gladly let it pass instead of the alternative.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 70 years old, and have had a cordial, if not close, relationship with my 58-year-old brother all our lives. Recently he texted me a screenshot of a map of my neighborhood. I texted back, "Huh?"

He answered, "I'm across the street from your building."

I replied, "I didn't know you were in town."

He answered, "I'm here for Caroline's wedding" (his daughter).

I was a bit taken aback, as I knew nothing about it, nor had I been invited. But I figured it was a small, immediate-family-only affair, and decided the nice thing to do would be to send a gift. So I went online to see if she had a bridal registry.

Well, it turned out that she had a wedding website, which described the lavish affair in detail: a bridal party of 24 maids of honor and groomsmen, to be held at an upscale hotel a few blocks from my home.

I was stunned. I texted my brother, "If you're in town and can't or don't want to see me, that's OK. And if you can't or don't want to invite me to your daughter's wedding, that's OK too. We're not especially close, and my expectations are minimal. But why not be discreet about it and say nothing? Why bring it to my attention by text? It's thoughtless at best, cruel at worst. Nonetheless, I hope the wedding is joyous, the bride radiant and her father proud."

Within minutes, he texted back, "You're right. We're not close, and it's thoughtless of you to dump your hurt feelings on me just before I'm supposed to give my daughter away in matrimony. Tasteless, too."

We have not communicated since.

There's a lot to unpack here, but my question is simple: How, if at all, should I have replied to the rather clumsily delivered news that I was not invited?

GENTLE READER: There is indeed a lot to unpack here. Miss Manners' preference would have been to leave all that dirty laundry zipped up and put away -- since that is where you ended up anyway.

"Please give Caroline my best wishes" would have sufficed -- its brevity chilly enough to match the circumstances, but the sentiment faultlessly gracious. And it would suffice now.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN