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Gumby: Broadway Gumby Rose - SNL
In this parody of Woody Allen's Broadway Danny Rose, Gumby (Eddie Murphy) bickers with his aged show biz pals (Billy Crystal, Martin Short, Christopher Guest) at a deli. [Season 10, 1984]
Tina Fey Isn't Worried About Leaking Her Nude Photos | David Letterman
Tina is well prepared in case her nude photos get leaked. (From "Late Show," air date: 9/5/14)
Turning Pumpkins into Squash
"The squirrels ate my pumpkins," I moaned to my husband.
"Is that a secret code for something?" he wondered aloud.
"NO! I had a whole bunch of pumpkins on the front stoop, and the squirrels massacred them. Look!"
I pointed out the window to our front lawn. There lay three pumpkins ... or what was left of them. They were strewn about the ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Plate expectations
I may not be the chief cook in my house (that would be my wife, Sue, without whom I would have starved to death long ago), but I am the chief bottle washer.
And I don’t wash only bottles. I also clean glasses, mugs, cups, saucers, bowls, plates, pots, pans, tongs, whisks, spatulas, ladles, forks, knives, spoons and, most important, ice cream ...Read more
McCarthy Was Totally Misunderstood, Bro
It is hereby the official position of Florida's State Board of Education that Joseph McCarthy was actually a pretty chill dude.
Per our newly adopted teaching standards, students will learn that the much-maligned senator and boss dunker of lefties was a down guy, an alpha dog ahead of his time.
Furthermore, students will understand that if ...Read more
Getting Off on the Wrong Foot
"What happened to your ankle?" asked my neighbor when he saw the orthopedic boot on my left foot.
"I tripped while I was in Pamplona running with the bulls," I told him.
He raised his eyebrows. "Really?"
"Not really," I admitted. "I was actually climbing Machu Pichu, and I fell over a llama."
"Seriously?" he said. I nodded. Heck, I'd ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Seeing is believing
For a double-visionary like me, the daily dilemma is not whether I can’t find my eyeglasses, in which case I would need a pair in order to find them, but why I forgot to bring them upstairs so I can see well enough to write drivel like this.
Until a few months ago, the only glasses I needed were the kind that hold beer or wine. Then I ...Read more
Will Licking Ruin the Friendship?
I almost never check work email on a Saturday, but I must have known deep down that a sitcom script had just landed. Picture me opening "Holiday Pet Peeve Public Service Announcement" over coffee and becoming glued to my phone like I was watching John McClane save Nakatomi Plaza.
A reader wrote in about his friends and their icky habit. The ...Read more
Wait, Are YOU My Waiter?
"Can I get an unsweetened iced tea?" I asked the server who brought me a glass of water. My husband was out of town, and I thought it would be nice to treat myself to dinner in a fancy restaurant I'd heard a lot about. I had put on actual shoes instead of Uggs for the occasion, so I expected good food and service to match.
"Oh, I just do the ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: A sound idea for deterring scammers
I don’t want to toot my own horn — that’s because I can’t play the tuba and tooting is rude, especially at the dinner table — but I have come up with a brilliant way to get rid of all those irritating scammers who call me every day, at all hours, especially when I am at the dinner table.
I bought an air horn and successfully used it ...Read more
These Fifth Graders Have Wise Opinions
I will speak to almost any room about the miracle of local news. However, one annual event strikes fear in my soul.
Yes, I am talking about the Great American Teach-In. When requests to present at this career day roll around, I pretend as if my hearing and vision have simultaneously gone out.
For one thing, time in a classroom will remind ...Read more
ATTENTION 'LOST IN SUBURBIA' EDITORS: THERE IS A MANDATORY CORRECTION TO THE COLUMN FOR RELEASE TUESDAY, NOV. 11. IN THE 10TH GRAF, "Gandolf" SHOULD READ "Gandalf". PLEASE USE THE FOLLOWING CORRECTED COPY. THANK YOU. -- CREATORS
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Quoth the Raven, 'Caw'
One of the things I do actually love about the suburbs is the quiet. Of course, the quiet mostly happens in short spurts between clamorous bouts of home construction, lawnmowers, garbage trucks and barking dogs. But when I do get it, it's glorious.
So, naturally, as I was having one of those brief late-afternoon ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: If the slippers fit, buy them
I am a human Bigfoot. I am taking the bold step of admitting this for two unsettling reasons:
1. My feet seem to be getting bigger.
2. The most fashionable shoes I own are a brand-new pair of slippers.
The alarming increase in the length, width and overall size of my already tremendous tootsies was evident when I purchased the aforementioned ...Read more
Cross My Legs and Hope to Die
One morning, I had a big cup of coffee, as I usually do, and then I got in the car and drove 40 minutes to a clothing store I had been curious to check out. I don't normally drive 40 minutes to go shopping, but since I am a stay-at-home mom and everyone knows we stay-at-home moms just spend our time shopping and eating bonbons, I figured, "...Read more
Jerry Zezima: No run-of-the-treadmill machine
For a guy who has often been told to take a hike, I am getting nowhere fast. That’s because I have gone back to the gym, after taking a breather for several weeks, only to discover that you need to be a rocket scientist to use the new treadmills.
The old machines were like me: simple, serviceable, a little outdated, nothing fancy, with moving...Read more
An Ode to the Perfect Ride
A humble roller coaster exists, a sacred jewel of a ride that we as a culture don't talk about enough. This attraction features both open flames and footage of a young Brendan Fraser toting a whippy mochaccino. It invites the rider into a cinematic land of scarab beetles and museum antiquities, of open-shirt heroics and enough khaki to blanket...Read more
Once Upon a Sagging Mattress
"Help!" I cried out meekly.
"Where are you?" asked my husband, looking around the bedroom.
"I'm in here," I responded. "In the mattress."
Truth be told, I wasn't actually IN the mattress, but I was sunk down so low, it looked like I had been swallowed up by the mattress. Our very pricey and well-constructed pillowtop mattress had not held ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: A scan to dye for
If there is one thing I don’t want to get off my chest, it’s hair, which is usually ripped out by the roots when I have a medical procedure.
What I do want to get off my chest is an aortic aneurysm, which is why I recently had a CAT scan, at the end of which my chest hair was — sorry, you guessed wrong — not ripped out by the roots ...Read more
Stop Trying to Sell Me Plastic Souvenir Cups!
It's fall festival season, haunted house season, trunk-or-treat season. Amid the 50/50 raffles, soft pretzels, paper plate crafts and carnival rides with names like MAWS OF DEATH, we must steel for the greatest horror of all:
Commemorative plastic cups.
I've got more of these cups than an abandoned cabin has Jasons. My kitchen runneth over ...Read more
Ding, Dong, the Dishwasher's Dead
We went three weeks and a day without a working dishwasher. And then when we finally got a repairman in, he fixed it in five minutes. When I asked him what the problem was, first he blamed the soap. ... Then he blamed me.
"The dishwasher sensed an excess of soap in the bottom of the unit," said Larry the dishwasher repairman.
I stared at the...Read more
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