ArcaMax

Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has...Read more

The final dinner of winter vacation is funereal, death incarnate, the dissolution of rum ball-soaked peace.

It's even more fraught when a season of political mayhem looms. Let's slice into braised chicken and ignore the worst Sunday scaries known to man. Let's pass the salad and avoid reading about how Elon Musk moved into a Trump outbuilding...Read more

I always keep a dozen reusable grocery bags in my car so I don't have to buy one when I go shopping. Naturally, I would always forget to take some in, and then mid-checkout, I'd have to make a mad dash to my car to get my bags while a line of annoyed shoppers formed behind me. I thought it was OK for them to wait five minutes while I saved the...Read more

One way to know you're in your 40s is that you still open BuzzFeed listicles. I'm sorry, it was beyond my control! My phone's news app spooned me this highly targeted content, and I had no choice but to slap the black mirror for dopamine like an infant gumming pureed banana.

The factory-farmed piece was culled from r/Xennials on Reddit, home ...Read more

There wasn't a full moon. I didn't walk under a ladder or break a mirror. No black cats crossed my path. Yet it was undeniably one of those days when I felt cursed. It started with the demise of my coffee maker, followed by the nervous breakdown of my washing machine, and an unfriendly letter calling me for jury duty. I blatantly ignored all ...Read more

January is rearing its perky, crunchy, healthy little head. That means we are contractually obligated to improve -- the worst assignment.

I'm not a huge self-improvement person, not because I don't want to improve, but because I assume everything is a grift. It's rare I get through a self-help book without switching to some literary novel ...Read more

When we got the last-minute invite to a Christmas party at someone's house, I didn't realize I had a problem until I was waiting for the elevator to take us up.

"Oh no! I don't have a gift," I said to my husband.

"What?" he replied.

"I don't have a gift," I repeated. "I don't have a hostess gift. We've never been to this woman's apartment ...Read more

This may come off like another Festivus gripe, just an unpopular opinion about a pointless seasonal irritant. And it is, for sure, but bear with old Fezziwig.

Holiday inflatables have gotten out of hand. They're smooth, homogeneous and overexposed. When hyperactive homeowners barf up six pop culture franchises in a row, narrative arc becomes ...Read more

"Is it still spitting out there?" I asked my husband as he walked in the door. It was dark and gray outside and was forecast to rain all day, but I couldn't tell if it was actually raining at that moment or not.

He shook out his umbrella and dropped it on the floor.

"I don't like the word 'spitting,'" he said.

I thought for a moment.

"How ...Read more

Almost two years ago, I begged Joe -- Trader Joe, that is -- to send another of his clever grocery emporiums to where I live. I wrote:

We have so many people, Joe, denizens who request, nay, demand your low prices, friendly staff and flavor combinations not available from Larry Q. Publix. Trail mix with mung beans. Vegan tzatziki. Greek ...Read more

"Ow!"

I woke up with a start when my husband's left arm whacked me in the head. I rolled over to yell at him and saw that he was sound asleep. His hands, however, were wide awake and keeping a perfect 3/4 time to some mystery concerto.

Sadly, this was not the first time this had happened. My husband works in the music industry, and like most...Read more

I wouldn't say I'm a slave to fashion, but I do like to follow some of the trends each season. I usually get just a few pieces that ultimately look more age-appropriate on my daughter than me, but I get them anyway and I'm happy even if I do look like an idiot. So imagine my dismay when I found out that two of the big looks this year were ......Read more

"We've got a possum in there," an employee said with a smile. She motioned around a corner, directing me toward the dwelling of the furry friend.

I played it cool, but I already knew about the possum living at the Clearwater Marine Aquarium in Florida. In fact, I'd announced to my family after dinner the night before that I intended to visit ...Read more

"I'll have the burger," my husband said to the server when she came to take our lunch order.

"Would you like a salad or fries with that?" she asked.

"Salad," he said definitively.

"No, fries," I corrected him.

"I don't want fries," he said.

"But I do, and my sandwich doesn't come with them," I explained.

He rolled his eyes and shrugged ...Read more