ArcaMax

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs - the tallest ones, anyway.

... continued from above

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I ...Read more

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them...Read more

- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

- Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

- The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

- Diet tip: Eat a ...Read more

Salmonella won't be a concern.

Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.

No one will overeat.

The smoke alarm was due for a test.

Carving the bird will provide...Read more

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a...Read more

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.

"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician ...Read more

1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.

2. Came dressed in only a towel...again.

3. Ran out of paper clips.

4. I've decided to telecommute.

5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.

6. It's a long drive home to Texas.

7. One-day sale at Macy's.

8. My brain is melting!

9. I think they found me out...

10. ...Read more

The teacher, during an English lesson, asked her students: "Now tell me, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Little Johnny, in the back row, raised his hand.

"Yes, Johnny," said the teacher

"A teacher!"

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

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