ArcaMax

If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on...Read more

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English ...Read more

- Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

- Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

- Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

- Only a ...Read more

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather ...Read more

The lil' Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud," she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?"

"Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us."

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one

Caller: Hi, is this the police?

Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?

Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

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Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but...Read more

Judge: I know you, don't I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a Rabbi want to see which of them is best at his job. They decide each will go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

A few days later they get together as agreed, and the priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next ...Read more

These two blondes rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They're amazed at the number of fish that they catch, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"

The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"

The first blonde then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll...Read more

A police recruit was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

In the blank, he wrote, "Call for backup."

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.

At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.

At home, you get to take care of ...Read more