ArcaMax

Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.

A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.

"Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender ...Read more

During his freshman year, my son Steve couldn't get home for Christmas. So he sent me a set of inexpensive cuff links and a note reading: "Dear Dad, This is not much, but it's all you could afford."

... continued from above

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Continued ...Read more

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the...Read more

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!'

"Why not" said the officer.

"Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same."

"But you did not stop" replied the officer, "...Read more

Dwayne.

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the bathtub -- I'm dwowning!

"You know, I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon." --Ellen DeGeneres

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"My dad, he's a nuclear physicist, my mom, she's a mathematician, my brother is a chemical engineer--and I like to color." --Shashi Bhatia

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"The flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone ...Read more

I almost never check work email on a Saturday, but I must have known deep down that a sitcom script had just landed. Picture me opening "Holiday Pet Peeve Public Service Announcement" over coffee and becoming glued to my phone like I was watching John McClane save Nakatomi Plaza.

A reader wrote in about his friends and their icky habit. The ...Read more

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break."

9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.

8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown."

7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.

6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap.

5. In your neighborhood, they give ...Read more

A father was playing with his daughter when the little one said: "Dad, I read in school that animals get a new fur coat every winter."

"Quiet!" retorted the father. "Your mother is in the next room!"

One shoe

One shoe who?

One shoe come home, Bill Bailey?

Before heading out on a family hike, we stood at the trailhead reviewing map pinned to a bulletin board. A red arrow on the map that said "You are here" caught my six year old's attention. Pointing to it he asked. "How do they know that?"

The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.

The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.

But rather than letting me off with just a warning, ...Read more