An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!"

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like ...Read more

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman ...Read more

- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

- You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

- The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

...Read more

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

- Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!

- Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie.

- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

- ...Read more

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver,

"Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope,

"They never let me drive at the ...Read more

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle...Read more

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"...Read more

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

Little Monster: I hate my teacher.
Mother Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!

"What's the matter with your dinner?"
"Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor later what I've eaten!"

Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood, he had to walk 7 miles to school everyday.
Well he should have ...Read more

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a ...Read more

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "...Read more

Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism - All blue blazers and black sweaters ...Read more

My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel."

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, I know. That's why I married a college graduate."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my...Read more

It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author's talk, she began to feel sick. In a calm voice, she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech offstage, in her bag.

She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight, ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up.

She was just about finished when someone came ...Read more