A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.

"Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor," ...Read more

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: ...Read more

- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

- Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

- How come abbreviated is such a long word?

- If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

- Since ...Read more

One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the ...Read more

While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense: He was repeating the alphabet.

"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him.

The child replied...Read more

See if you can translate the following into the familiar sayings we've all heard? See answers below.

1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.

2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.

3. Surveillance should precede salutations

4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity

5. It is fruitless ...Read more

- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

- What was the ...Read more

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

- The speed of time is one second per second.

- Is it possible to be totally partial?

- What's another word for thesaurus?

- Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I...Read more

- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

- I had amnesia once -- or twice.

- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

- If the world were a logical place, men ...Read more

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has ...Read more

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Q. Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home?
A. They thought their father was an awful boar.

If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on...Read more