ArcaMax

I didn't know who Travis Kelce was until he started dating Taylor Swift, and I only knew who Taylor Swift was because television news was always doing a story about some father who sold the family home to spend $600,000 on two tickets to a Taylor Swift concert.

It worked out fine for the dad, too. He took his 15-year-old daughter to see Swift, and she squealed a couple times, and Dad had just enough money left over from the sale of the family home to buy the kid a T-shirt at the concert.

A lotta people don't like Taylor Swift because she showed up at football games to watch Kelce play, and her face would be on camera a whole lot during the game.

Her boyfriend made a good play; she'd open her lipstick mouth and bare her white teeth in a triumphant laugh. Her boyfriend made a bad play, her eyelashes would sweep down like the branches of a willow tree bending under the weight of February's coldest, purest snow.

It was beautiful, and she was so rich she could dye her hair orange and be president, and Kelce is so big he could carry 700 banned books out of a library all by himself.

Not that Swift and Kelce ever danced the Trump Polka. In fact, Taylor has said mean, very unfair, twisted, evil things about Donald Trump and now her mediocre career is in BIG trouble.

Maybe that was the problem. Couple pictures of Kelce with guns. Couple pictures of Taylor kissing an American. The whole thing would have been over, and either one of them could have gotten a seat at Cracker Barrel without a reservation.

What I never understood was why this celebrity couple's dazzling whiteness isn't worth more to them when it comes to bedazzling Donald Trump's army of angry dimwits.

Face it. We all know professional sports are played largely by members of despised minority groups. It's been that way since the Irish and the Jews were boxing champs. In addition, you got Beyonce trying to slide into country music, much to the disgust of people who wish Hank Williams Sr. was still alive and drinking himself to death.

No one has ever had a better chance to become king and queen of resentful white America than Taylor and Travis, people whose skin color is trumpeted by their very first names. If the prom king and queen at your suburb's high school are named Taylor and Travis, your basketball team may stink, but the student body is probably whiter than Hitler's army.

What this newly engaged couple needs to do is have their wedding at an evangelical church next to a Cracker Barrel and then have the reception at the Cracker Barrel. Make sure "obey'' is in the vows, too.

Start making babies right away. White babies. Maybe five babies in five years. After that, Travis joins the ICE doorbuster squad, and Taylor writes a song called, "My Ex Let Me Make Too Many Decisions."

Trump is ancient, and his wife's a foreigner. J.D. Vance didn't even marry a white girl. We need Taylor and Travis. We need them to be rich and white, and the face of rolling everything back to 1954.

To find out more about Marc Dion, and read words by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called "Mean Old Liberal." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com, and for Nook, Kindle and iBooks.