Q. I see my daughter every other weekend, and it's not enough. I saw her more often before I took my current job, but I now work the swing shift and get home at 11 p.m., Monday through Friday. I'm thinking about changing jobs to an 8-5, moving to another county, and then applying for full custody. Her mother can have every other weekend and see how it feels. What do you think of this plan? What's good ex-etiquette?

A. OK, hold the phone. There are so many red flags in your question, and I'm very glad you asked it!

Many parents feel like they are getting a raw deal and think going back to court and trying to change the parenting plan is the answer. "I'm going to move and file for full custody!" Let's look at why you have the parenting plan you do.

As a child custody mediator, one of the things I always look at is each parent's work schedule. Let's say you work 2:30 p.m. to about 11 p.m., Monday through Friday. Most kids get out of school around 2 p.m. or 3 p.m., when you are at work. This is when some say, "Well, my spouse can pick her up." Yes, they could, but you would be at work, not spending time with the child. So, the order is written every other weekend because you aren't available during the week.

Your suggestion of changing jobs to an 8-5 would allow you to spend more time with your child. If that is possible, that is a great idea.

Your next suggestion involves moving farther away from mom and applying for full custody. Here's what the judge will ask you: “Why?”

The courts don't make their decisions based on the whims of the parents; they make decisions in the best interest of the children. That means you will have to figure out why uprooting your child from a home in which she lives most of the time, from a school she has attended for years, and from friends and possibly extracurriculars that offer her balance and positive social interaction is in her best interest. The answer is, it probably isn't.

Parents often ask me how they can have more time with their children. My answer? Get along better with your co-parent. When either parent is angry and can't negotiate on behalf of the children, the answer to a request outside of the court order is always, "No!"

So work on your co-parenting communication, and approach each other as partners rather than adversaries. Then when you want an extra day or even a weekend here or there, you'll have better luck. Example: Call and say "I'm thinking about getting these tickets to this concert Bailey mentioned, but we have to switch weekends. What do you think?" You'll get a "Sure. I'm sure she'll love that!" instead of "It's not your weekend. We are sticking to the court order!"

When you get along, the decisions are made in the best interest of the children. When you don't, the decisions are made in the best interest of the parents.

So, I understand why you are upset, but the answer isn’t changing custody; it’s realizing your child needs both of you, not one or the other. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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