Q: Should I give my ex a valentine to entice him back?

A: When you ask this question, you're not really asking about a card. You're asking whether it's OK to reopen a door that has already been closed, and whether doing so will make you feel more at ease, more connected or less alone.

It's doubtful, at least not in the long run.

Valentine's Day is emotionally loaded even in intact relationships. After a breakup, it can become a catalyst for longing. A card feels harmless, even romantic, but if you are co-parenting, there's a lot more at stake than speculation. And it rarely lands the way you imagine. Instead of reading as affection, it may read as pressure, confusion, desperation or unfinished business, and none of those are good foundations for parenting together.

Good Ex-Etiquette begins with one hard truth: If someone wanted to come back, it would not take a holiday to make it happen.

Sending a valentine to "entice" your ex doesn't reopen love; it reopens uncertainty. It places the emotional weight of the relationship on a single gesture and quietly invites a response you cannot control. If they ignore it, you feel rejected all over again. If they engage, it could be easily misread. Are they interested or just being polite? Either way, your sense of stability becomes dependent on how someone else reacts.

And if you share children, there is a deeper layer to consider. Your children do not need parents who are confused about the status of their relationship. They need clarity. When co-parents blur lines, children feel it, even when nothing is said out loud. Hope and fear start showing up in small ways: extra questions, sudden clinginess, worries about where they will live. What began as a private gesture becomes a family ripple. And if it doesn't work, your children are facing yet another breakup.

This doesn't mean you have to be cold or closed off. It means you have to be honest with yourself about what you're really seeking. Are you hoping for connection? Reassurance? Proof that you still matter? Those needs are human. But your ex is no longer the appropriate place to meet them.

Good Ex-Etiquette redirects emotional energy away from the past and toward the life you are building now. Your life now is centered around your children. That's your mutual interest and the reason why you interact with an ex after a breakup. You do not have to be a couple to raise your children together.

If reconciliation is ever going to happen, it will come from sustained change, clear communication, and mutual intention, not a heart sticker and a hopeful guess. And, if it is truly in the cards, (no pun intended) make sure you both do some self-examination and work together before you attempt it or else you will just re-create what went wrong before.

A valentine sent to entice keeps you tethered to what was.

Good Ex-Etiquette sets you free to grow into what's next.

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