Dear Anna,

My boyfriend of two years is extremely into optimization and data tracking — he logs every workout, tracks his macros, uses a smartwatch to monitor his sleep, and so on. I’ve always found it a little intense but mostly harmless, and honestly, his discipline is part of what attracted me to him in the first place. He motivates me to pay more attention to my own goals. But lately it’s started bleeding into our relationship in ways that are making me uncomfortable. A few months ago, he started tracking our “quality time hours” in a shared calendar, color-coded by activity type — date nights, sex (!), deep conversations, etc. He says it helps him ensure we’re spending enough time together, but it feels weirdly clinical. Now, as we’re heading into the new year, he sat me down with a presentation — an actual slideshow — proposing “relationship KPIs” for 2026. He wants us to commit to metrics like “two date nights per month,” “one weekend trip per quarter,” “daily check-ins of at least 15 minutes” and “resolving conflicts within 24 hours.” He even suggested we do monthly “relationship retrospectives” (which he called R&R — I’m not joking) where we review our performance against these goals. He insists this is how successful couples stay connected and that we should approach our relationship with the same intentionality he applies to his career and health. Part of me appreciates that he’s taking us seriously, but another part of me feels like I’m being managed rather than loved. Is this sweet or is my boyfriend treating our love life like a work project? And how do I get him to stop? — EXciting or Clinical Excruciating Lesson?

Dear EXCEL,

I have so many questions. Did the slideshow have a title?*(Was it "Us 2.0: Understanding Synergy for Maximum Relational ROI"?) Did he build in time for feedback, or was this more of a “here are the new policies” situation?

And doesn’t he know that spreadsheets are for foreplay only? I’d love to expand your row — maybe insert a column.

Look, I actually don’t hate that your boyfriend is being so intentional about your relationship. In a world where people ghost rather than have a mildly awkward conversation and can’t be bothered to plan anything beyond drinking or banging, someone who genuinely wants to prioritize quality time and conflict resolution isn’t the worst problem to have. The discipline that attracted you to him is clearly still there — it’s just now pointing directly at you with a laser focus that feels ... a lot.

But here’s where he’s gone off the rails. Relationships aren’t projects to be optimized. (And neither are humans, frankly.) They’re living, breathing things that require flexibility, spontaneity and room to just exist without the stress or pressure of some arbitrary data points. Unless you’re trying to get pregnant, tracking your sex life in a color-coded spreadsheet isn’t romantic — it’s mechanical, a touch dehumanizing, and turns intimacy into a quota to hit when the only thing that needs hitting is ... well, you know. Monthly retrospectives sound less like connection and more like the kind of meeting that should have been an email. And seriously, WHO WANTS TO DO MORE PERFORMANCE REVIEWS?

Here’s what I think is really happening. Your boyfriend is trying to impose order on something that is fundamentally chaotic and uncontrollable. Life is messy, random and refuses to follow anyone’s carefully constructed metrics — and that likely terrifies him. So he’s building spreadsheets and KPIs as a way to feel like he has some grip on the beautiful disorder and vulnerability of being human and in love. But relationships don’t work that way. The more you try to control them, the more you squeeze the life out of them. He needs to chill TF out and accept that love means surrendering to uncertainty.

The issue isn’t that he wants to be thoughtful about your relationship. The issue is that he’s applying a framework designed for productivity and goals to something that fundamentally doesn’t work that way. Love isn’t about hitting benchmarks — it’s about showing up for each other in ways that can’t be quantified. Some of the best relationship moments happen spontaneously, not because they were scheduled in Q2.

That said, I do think there’s a middle ground here. Tell him you appreciate his commitment to the relationship and his desire to be intentional, but that the tracking and KPIs are making you feel like a discretionary line item rather than a partner. Suggest a compromise: maybe you do agree on some general intentions for the year (like prioritizing travel together or having regular check-ins), but without the spreadsheets and monthly reviews.

Ask him what his actual goal is? If it’s to feel more connected, does that mean he doesn’t feel connected to you as-is? Is all this tracking actually achieving something important for him, or is it creating unrealistic expectations or distance? If he feels like he’s hitting his KPIs but you’re miserable, what’s the point?

You could also gently point out that some of the best things in relationships — inside jokes, lazy Sunday mornings, the way you fall deeper in love during a random Tuesday when he brings you your favorite snack without asking — can’t be tracked or optimized. They just happen when two people feel safe and connected enough to let their guard down.

If he doesn’t relent, you could simply opt-out. He can track all he wants but you can insist on being a conscientious objector to the data-industrial complex.

TL;DR: You’re not wrong for feeling managed. Love should feel like partnership, not a board (bored?) meeting.

———

*I once made a PowerPoint about how great my girlfriend’s butt was, so I’m not knocking the genre.

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