Dear Anna,

I just got back from spending Christmas with my boyfriend’s family for the first time, and I’m still reeling from how badly it went. His mom made multiple passive-aggressive comments about my job as a freelance graphic designer, his sister openly questioned why we’re not engaged yet after one-and-a-half years together, and his dad made a joke about my weight at dinner that had everyone laughing except me. The worst part? My boyfriend said absolutely nothing. He didn’t defend me, redirect the conversation, or even acknowledge afterward that his family was out of line. When I brought it up on the drive home, he said I was being “too sensitive” and that’s just how his family jokes around. Now his mom is already texting about plans for Easter, and when I told my boyfriend I’m not interested in going back, he completely flipped out on me. He says I’m being dramatic, that I’m trying to isolate him from his family, and that if I loved him I’d make more of an effort with them. I feel like I’m going crazy — am I really supposed to sign up for more of being their punching bag while he sits there silently? Or am I overreacting to what he insists is just harmless family banter? — Growing Resentful of In-Laws Lunacy

Dear GRILL,

I’m really sorry you went through that. I’ve been there too, with more than one partner’s family even, and it’s a terrible experience to be trapped somewhere and forced into politeness, discomfort, extreme awkwardness, or some unholy combo of all three.

You’re not overreacting, you’re not too sensitive and you’re definitely not crazy. What happened at Christmas was a preview of your future if you spend more time with them — and your boyfriend showed you how much backup you can expect when things get uncomfortable.

Probably the most unsettling part is not his silence, but his flip-out after. The defensiveness, accusations of isolation, reversal of blame — all bad looks, and much more concerning than your garden-variety conflict avoidance.

His anger isn’t about Easter plans. It’s about being asked to choose discomfort for himself over harm to you — and right now, he’s choosing his own comfort over your well-being.

Sure, some families tease each other or tell embarrassing stories, but passive-aggressive comments about your job are disrespectful, and making fun of your weight? That’s body-shaming, degrading and uncalled for. And instead of taking your side, your boyfriend watched you get torn down by the people who were supposed to welcome you, said nothing, then got defensive and angry at you for suggesting a boundary.

I get that families are complicated. I understand his defensiveness and maybe even a certain sense of powerlessness — what we grow up with is what we consider “normal,” and if his family has been this “nurturing” to him, he might legitimately see such harm as no big deal. But even if he’s not mad at his family for treating you poorly, he has no reason to be mad at you for refusing to tolerate it again.

The “that’s just how they are” defense isn’t a good one. It’s code for “I'm unwilling to rock the boat, so you need to keep taking hits.” But that doesn’t get anyone anywhere.

You need to have another direct conversation with him, but I'll be honest, his first reaction doesn't make this look promising. Tell him: “I need you to understand that your family crossed lines at Christmas. Whether or not you think they meant harm, the impact on me was hurtful. I need a partner who will speak up when I'm being disrespected — or at the very least, acknowledge it and take it seriously afterward.”

Does he get defensive again and make this about his family’s honor? Does he minimize your feelings? Or does he actually hear you and commit to setting boundaries with them?

You could also talk to his family directly — but I’d only recommend that if your boyfriend is actively supporting you. Without that, it’s likely to leave you more exposed, not less.

And if your boyfriend can’t or won’t stand up for you, or respect your decision to stay away from family gatherings, then, well, that’s not a sustainable relationship dynamic, especially if you're thinking about anything long-term.

You’re not isolating him from his family by refusing to be their verbal punching bag. You’re setting a reasonable boundary. He can see his family whenever he wants — you're just opting out of signing up for further degradation.

Family is complicated, yes, but no one should be demeaned for the sake of keeping the peace. The question isn’t whether you’re overreacting. The question is whether you want to spend your life with someone who watches you drown and then gets mad at you for not enjoying the water.

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