How to help kids with back-to-school anxiety

SEATTLE -- The first few days of school can spark excitement and anticipation for kids: they look forward to seeing friends, learning something new or getting back to sports and clubs.

But for many students, this time of year can also be one of significant stress.

As children go back to school, they may be worried about fitting in socially, adjusting to a new teacher or classroom or experiencing bullying.

Seattle-area therapists say such fears are common early in the school year, and parents should be on the lookout for a variety of stressors.

Yolanda Evans, a doctor and the head of adolescent medicine at Seattle Children’s Hospital, said back-to-school concerns typically tend to fall into specific areas.

“It’s often those three general categories — social dynamics, expectations on performance and change in routine — that can all lead to anxiety,” Evans said.

Harmony Raveler, a child therapist with Seattle Play Therapy, said the increased workload of the new school year can put strain on children with undiagnosed learning disabilities or neurodiversity — something that often shows up for children around third or fourth grade.

“There might be increased academic difficulties, or it might show up as increased behavioral problems at home or school,” Raveler said. “That might be a little bit hard to understand, especially if it hasn’t shown up in past years.”

Raveler said they also tend to see increased anxiety for kids who are making the jump from one level of school to another, like elementary to middle school. The change is often accompanied by new teachers or new experiences, like riding a school or city bus.

For older kids, relationships with their peers can also be a stress point. As they enter middle or high school, kids may be more influenced by what their classmates are doing and feel pressure to do the same — whether to act or dress a certain way, or accomplish things in class or sports.

“I think those increased comparisons to peers and increased awareness of what’s cool and not cool, increased value of peer opinions over adult opinions when you’re younger can be hard to balance, especially when it can be at odds with academic pressures” Raveler said. “Navigating that tension can be really hard.”

Christina Alexander, a therapist with SoDo Counseling who mainly works with elementary school kids, has largely seen the same themes among students over the years. But she said the COVID-19 pandemic increased students’ worries about social connection.

“Fitting in, making friends, a lot of those social elements — I feel like those have heightened in the wake of COVID,” Alexander said.

The last decade or so has also amplified anxiety about school safety, particularly as schools do more lockdown and active shooter drills, Evans said — even as kids and families realize that it’s important to have the information.

Coping mechanisms

A large part of helping students cope with back-to-school stress is helping parents manage their own anxieties, therapists said.

Alexander said she often talks to families about getting back into consistent routines as the summer winds down, such as regular bed times, eating nutritious foods and consistently getting outside and moving.

“That can be a great opportunity for modeling some stress management and coping tools,” Alexander said.

One important thing parents can do is help their children identify what they’re feeling, Evans said.

“A lot of times they’re not quite sure. They just know they don’t want to go to school or be in a certain environment,” Evans said. “But helping them really put a name on what it is they’re feeling and why they’re feeling that way can be empowering, and help people start to recognize, ‘What are the things in my control?’ ”

Raveler said they encourage parents to talk to their kids about what is the same and what’s changing this year, so they can feel grounded.

“They can feel comfortable and safe in the familiar, and then also prepared to grow and stretch into that change. That’s pretty simple but I think pretty powerful,” Raveler said.

Setting aside a few minutes throughout the day to check in with kids can also make a big change, Raveler said.

“Five minutes in the morning before school, 10 minutes after school to get the attachment back and let them process the day, and then five minutes before bed,” Raveler said. “If your kid has a place to drop in and connect, it can really help with them navigating these big changes or anxiety.”

Some of the coping mechanisms Alexander tries to teach her clients include focusing on the things they can control — including deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation and positive self-talk.

And while some students engage in “school refusal,” or wanting to avoid school because of stress or anxiety, Alexander said she tries to encourage students to find ways to step away if they’re overwhelmed — but still participate in school.

“We need breaks, that’s very important. And we don’t want to cross over into the territory of avoidance, because when we avoid it we’re sort of reinforcing the anxiety,” she said. “So I work with kids and their caregivers on how we take a break, get what we need and be able to get back at it.”

Raveler said they try to help kids work on awareness of their own sensory needs early in the school year, so they can recognize and manage what makes them anxious. That might mean asking kids to look for times when they feel calmer, such as after recess, or noticing that it might be easier to listen when they’re playing with a fidget toy.

As parents help kids with coping skills, they should also be on the lookout for worrisome behaviors that continue past the first few weeks of school.

Evans said parents should be aware of whether their kids are withdrawing from activities they used to like, spending a lot of time alone, or eating or sleeping irregularly. She also urged parents to be on the lookout for their children voicing hopelessness or depression, and checking in with them. Seattle Children’s Hospital has a psychiatric urgent care open daily from noon to 8 p.m., where parents or caregivers can take children instead of the emergency department, specifically for behavioral health needs.

Alexander said while it’s normal for kids to be reluctant to go to school when they’re nervous, parents can help by reinforcing and praising small but specific behaviors.

“For example, ‘Hey you did such a good job of getting in the car and making it to kindergarten today. I can’t wait to hear about something fun you did when I pick you up,’ ” Alexander said. “Maybe doing a little bit of planned ignoring of the whining, and focusing on those moments when we see the behaviors that we want to see more of.”