I was searching for a client on Match.com recently, looking for men in her age range who she might like to send a message to, and I came across this profile:

“I’m tired of being rejected on this site by conceited, snobbish women who proclaim they are looking for an honest, humorous man, when in reality all they are really looking for is a man who has money. The code word they use is ‘financially secure’ or ‘independent.’ I’m a good man. I don’t play games. And even though I live in the Bronx, I am not poor, as most of these women assume I am. I consider myself married once, but my finance [sic] died after living with her for 10 years. I really consider myself a ‘widower’ for those among you who wonder why I was never married. But there was no category for that here, so I checked ‘never married.’ I’m looking for a serious relationship, eventually turning into marriage. I’m tired of being alone, and I’m tired of rejection. Am I too ugly for these women? They think they are all God’s gift to men. They post 1 or 2 fuzzy photos and think that’s enough. They try to fool you mixing in 10-20 year old photos. I keep seeing the same women when I do a search. Where are the new ones? Are there any good women left in this world? Let me hear from you.”

Deep breath. There’s a lot going on here.

There is so much I want to say about this atrocity of a profile, but the thing I want to focus on is knowing when it’s time to take yourself out of circulation for a bit.

This man is venting. That’s clear. He’s bitter. He keeps getting burned, and now he’s projecting this onto (and punishing) any new woman who crosses his path. He’s assuming the worst until proven otherwise. No one wants to prove herself to him, and no one will even have the chance because no one will reach out to him. He’s creating his own self-fulfilling prophesy where 1) he gets rejected, 2) he complains about getting rejected, 3) he gets rejected purely because he complains about getting rejected. And he doesn’t just complain… he berates an entire gender!

Just as we need a vacation from work sometimes when we’re burned out or feeling negative, it’s perfectly acceptable to take breaks from online dating to rejuvenate and get re-energized about the process. After you’ve been in the online dating game for a while, and have sustained some highs and lows (in this man’s case, clearly more lows), you may need some time off.

In that time off, assess who you are, what you’re looking for, and how you’re presenting yourself. Remember that online dating, and dating in general, takes time, and first impressions are still key to finding someone, especially online. Really give thought not only to what you’re putting out there, but why. I think if this man took a step back and tried to read his profile objectively, he’d see that it’s doing just the opposite of what he wants. Rather than coming off as the nice guy he thinks he is, he’s instead coming off as resentful, bitter and just plain childish.

So, my advice to him, and anyone feeling negative or hostile, is to take a break from dating for a bit. Seek therapy, talk to friends, do the things that truly make you happy. Have confidence in yourself, and be the best version of yourself you can be. And when you come back, you’ll be all the better for it. The love of your life may pop up this time around, and you’ll be good and ready. But don’t use your profile as a dumping ground for all dating evils past.

And if you ever catch yourself writing a profile that feels more like a rant than an invitation, that’s your cue to pause. Reset, refill your own cup, and come back when you’re ready to attract rather than repel.

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