Dear Anna,

I'm a 38-year-old gay man living in a midsize city, and I'm completely exhausted by the dating scene here. It feels like every guy I meet on the apps is only interested in hooking up, and when I suggest actually going on a date or getting to know each other first, they either ghost me or tell me I'm "too serious." I've tried being more casual and going with the flow, thinking maybe something would develop naturally, but I always end up feeling empty afterward. The gay bar scene here isn't much better — it's mostly younger guys looking to party, and the few guys my age seem to be in open relationships or just want casual fun.

I'm at the point where I'm wondering if I'm asking for too much or if I'm looking in all the wrong places. I have a good career, my own place, close friendships and I've done the therapy work — I know what I want in a partner and I'm ready for something real. But it feels like I'm swimming upstream in a culture that prioritizes instant gratification over genuine connection. My friends don't really get it, some think I'm being too picky or old-fashioned. How do I find someone who actually wants to build something meaningful together? — Ready for Real Love

Dear RRL,

Wanting genuine connection isn't old-fashioned — it's courageous. In a world that often mistakes convenience for compatibility and swipes for substance, you're holding out for something real. That takes guts, and it's exactly what will make you an incredible partner when you find your person.

At 38, you've earned the right to know what you want. You've done the work, built a life and understand that meaningful relationships require more than physical chemistry — they need emotional intimacy, shared values and mutual investment. Don't let anyone convince you that having standards is the same as being too picky.

Here's the truth about gay dating culture: Yes, hookup culture is pervasive, but it's not universal. There are men out there who want exactly what you want — they're just not the loudest voices in the room. They're not posting thirst traps or dominating the bar scene. They're quietly living their lives, working on themselves and hoping to meet someone genuine. (Like you are.)

Start by diversifying where and how you meet people. The apps can be great for meeting people you never would otherwise, but they aren’t the only tool in the toolbox. Double your pleasure and meet people while doing things you like anyway. Join a gay book club, volunteer for LGBTQ+ organizations, take a cooking class, start a late-30s dance party that ends at 10 p.m., etc.

(Alternately, you can try different apps altogether that cater more toward relationship-seekers, and be upfront in your profile about wanting something serious. Don't bury that desire — lead with it. Write something like "Looking for someone ready to build something real together." This will filter out the casual-only crowd from the start.)

When you do match with someone, suggest a first date that doesn’t involve booze — coffee, dinner, a museum. If they balk at anything that involves actual conversation, they're not your person. Pay attention to how they communicate: Do they ask questions about your life, remember details from previous conversations, suggest activities that involve getting to know each other?

Other things to try include expanding your geographic radius if you're in a smaller city. Sometimes love requires a bit of travel, and someone an hour away who shares your values is worth more than someone around the corner who doesn't.

Most importantly, resist the urge to settle or lower your standards because dating feels hard. The right person will appreciate your depth, not see it as a burden. They'll want to know about your career, your friendships, your dreams for the future. They'll be excited to introduce you to their friends and include you in their life.

Modern dating — regardless of orientation — has its challenges, but that doesn't mean your desires are unrealistic. There are countless gay men in committed, loving relationships who started exactly where you are — tired of games and ready for something real.

Keep being intentional about what you want. Keep showing up as your authentic self. Keep believing that love worth having is worth waiting for. Somewhere out there is a man who's just as frustrated with hookup culture as you are, who's been hoping to meet someone exactly like you — someone ready to build a life together, not just share a night.

Your person is out there. Don't give up on finding them. And please start that early dance party. Mama is tired.

Dear Anna,

I'm a 24-year-old queer gal, and I have a terrible pattern that I can't seem to break: I keep developing intense crushes on straight women. It's happened at least five times in the past three years, and it's driving me crazy. The latest was my coworker, who's kind, funny, and we had amazing chemistry during our coffee breaks. I convinced myself that maybe she was questioning her sexuality because she seemed so comfortable with me and would touch my arm when we talked. When I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, she gently told me she was flattered but straight, and now things are awkward at work.

This same scenario has played out with women in my yoga class, at parties, even with a barista at my local coffee shop who was just being friendly. I know logically that I'm setting myself up for rejection and heartbreak, but I can't seem to stop. Meanwhile, when I meet women who are actually available on the apps, I feel like there's no spark. My therapist says I might be subconsciously choosing unavailable people to avoid real intimacy, but I don't think that's it — I genuinely want a relationship. I'm starting to wonder if I have some internalized homophobia that makes me more attracted to women who represent the forbidden or challenging. How do I break this cycle and start building healthy relationships with women who can actually love me back? — Chasing Straight Waterfalls

Dear CSW,

I’m not psychic but I know that 98% of queer women reading this will be nodding along, like yep, that's me. It’s practically a queer rite of passage to crush on unavailable straight women at least once, if not multiple times, throughout our lives.

And don’t get me started on hot baristas with their sleepy eyes and casually devastating septum piercings WHO CRAFT LITERAL HEARTS INTO OUR TURMERIC LATTE FOAM and then are like, What? I’m just being nice! Have a beautiful day!

THANKS, KAI. YOU TOO.

This is all to say: You’re fine. Many, many queer women (and queer men and straight people, too) experience the magnetic pull toward unavailable people and the complex f—ery psychology behind it. You're not broken, and you're definitely not alone in this pattern.

Let's start with some compassion for yourself. Straight women can sometimes feel “safer” to develop feelings for because the stakes feel lower. There's built-in protection in knowing it can't work out — no risk of real vulnerability, no chance of being truly seen and potentially rejected for who you are. It's like emotional training wheels, allowing you to experience the rush of attraction without the terror of genuine intimacy.

But here's what's happening: You're practicing love on people who can't love you back, which means you're never actually learning how to receive love. You're becoming an expert at unrequited feelings while staying a beginner at reciprocal ones.

The “spark” you're missing with available women? That's not about them lacking something — it's about your nervous system being calibrated to the adrenaline rush of pursuing the impossible. Real love doesn't always feel like a lightning bolt; sometimes it feels like coming home. (Of course, there are some people you just won’t have chemistry with, and that’s perfectly normal too. More on that below.)

Here's your action plan: First, implement a straight woman moratorium. When you feel that familiar flutter around a straight girl, acknowledge it — “there's that pattern again” — and consciously redirect your energy. Don't feed those feelings with fantasies or what-if scenarios.

Second, reframe how you approach available women. Instead of looking for immediate fireworks, look for comfort, ease and genuine compatibility. Give yourself permission to go on a second and maybe even a third date even if the first didn't make your heart race. Some of the best love stories start with friendship and grow into something deeper.

Third, examine your relationship with your own queerness. Sometimes we unconsciously chase straight people because we haven't fully embraced our own identity. Practice celebrating your sexuality instead of treating it like something that needs to be earned or validated by dating the "right" person.

Try this exercise: Write down three things you love about being queer. Then write down three qualities you'd want in a partner that have nothing to do with the thrill of the chase — maybe kindness, humor, generosity or love of the Trader Joe’s frozen food section. Use this as your north star when dating.

And keep up the good work with therapy. They can help you explore whether there's internalized homophobia at play or if you're unconsciously protecting yourself from the vulnerability that comes with real love.

Your heart knows how to love deeply — that's not the problem. The problem is you've been directing it toward the wrong people. When you redirect that incredible capacity for love toward someone who can actually love you back, you're going to be amazed at what you can build together.

Stop chasing waterfalls and start creating them. Your real love story is waiting for you to show up for it.

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