Q. My son’s father has only come back into our son’s life in the last year. Prior to that he lived in another state. Our son likes to talk to his friends in a social media chat room site, but I do not want him online unmonitored. I believe he is too young and when he does go online, I require him to give me all his passwords so I can monitor his activity. His father allows him to go online at his home without monitoring. I have told his father I do not agree with this, but he says at his age, our son needs his privacy. Our son is 11. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Eleven? Just about any professional — and any active parent — will tell you that 11 is far too young to be unmonitored on the internet. Aside from exposing them to potential dangers like inappropriate content, cyberbullying and online predators, children could unexpectedly offer private information to unknown sources. One client with whom I worked had a $700 Amazon bill because their child went shopping without adult supervision. But that is a small price to pay compared to your child falling prey to an online predator.

It sounds to me that your son’s father is trying to be a friend, not a parent. I am speculating, of course, but after being out of the picture for most of your son’s life, I’m betting dad is trying to gain favor by being the cool parent. 

This often happens when one parent has more time with a child than the other. They believe being lenient will ensure their child will want to return and may eventually choose to be with them over their other parent. The problem is, this may work in their favor, but it’s not best for the child. Your child needs both parents working together in their name.

When there is a discrepancy in the balance of power between co-parents, the child is doomed to failure.

Sound melodramatic? I suppose it does, but the truth is, when parents are pitted against each other in such a manner, no one really wins, and the child definitely loses. An 11-year-old child is not emotionally equipped to choose between their parents or the temptations of the internet. Both situations speak more to the parent’s insecurity than anything else. Putting a child first (the first rule of good ex-etiquette) does not mean let them do whatever they want. It means be unselfish, put them first, and coordinate efforts with your child’s other parent because your child’s welfare is far more important than any vendetta or power struggle.

When you don’t agree, good ex-etiquette suggests a planned conversation. Identify the problem and then come to the table with a solution. In this case, it might be to do some research on appropriate parental controls or even form a coalition with your child’s friend’s parents to monitor the kids’ internet interaction. Be ready to compromise (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 10). Put your heads together, don’t fight each other. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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