Teacher Remains Formal With Former Student
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 37-year-old woman who moved back to my small hometown, where I sporadically run into an old high school teacher. I've greeted her each time as "Mrs. Jones."
While out with some old classmates, we again ran into Mrs. Jones, and I noticed that all of them warmly addressed her by her first name. They told me later that she'd insisted on it years ago.
But she's never instructed me to do the same, even though she would have had ample opportunities to do so by now. Truthfully, I feel a bit odd continuing with the formality when nobody else does -- especially because the age difference between a 37-year-old and a 52-year-old now feels rather minor. My husband is nearly her age.
Is there a way to ask, "May I call you Julie?" Or should I assume that, regardless of her instructions to others, I am already calling her by the name she prefers me to use?
GENTLE READER: She would have asked you to call her by her first name, but you never turned in that assignment second quarter of sophomore year. Miss Manners didn't want to be the one to have to tell you.
But seriously, the safer option is to stick with the more formal address until asked and, if anyone else notices, to do the cowardly thing and pretend that you, too, prefer that -- out of respect for someone who was important to you at a younger age.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend and I have gotten together regularly for the past year, but now, due to work and family circumstances, I've had to see her less often. This week, we made tentative plans to attend a festival, but I was concerned about getting there on time, due to driving directly from work.
She first assured me it would be fine, then later called to say that she was no longer sure she would enjoy it, due to leg stiffness from prolonged sitting. Empathetically, I blurted out, "Oh, no, that's too bad!" because I felt bad that she could not enjoy the show.
Unfortunately, she heard it as a mockery of her condition; she also thought I was insincere about wanting to go with her, because of my potential lateness. She said she'd just go by herself, which puzzled me.
I tried explaining my sentiment and situation, to no avail. I truly do not know what else I could have said. Sometimes, lending a sympathetic ear on the phone is awkward because there are no facial expressions to fall back on.
How can I apologize in a way that clearly indicates concern for my friend's feelings?
GENTLE READER: There was a misunderstanding and you apologized. If you feel a second apology is necessary, make it in person or in a charming, handwritten letter.
After that, unless there are details you have omitted that make the original offense much worse than you have relayed, please stop. Miss Manners is in favor of apologizing for bad behavior, but if you go on apologizing, you are merely going to convince your friend that you really were laughing at her.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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