ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I read some of the questions sent to you, it is jarring when the writer includes financial information about someone else. They write things such as "... and they can well afford it" or mention that so-and-so "could very well pay their own way."

Are such statements relevant when asking about manners? For example, if a person is complaining about receiving a cheaper wedding gift than expected, does it matter whether or not the giver could afford to spend more?

GENTLE READER: Such inquirers do elicit a response from Miss Manners, of the sort that Gentle Readers are often pleased to call snarky.

But it's not for making the point that the people they were hoping to squeeze are not poor. Rather, it is for the vulgarity of assessing presents in terms of their material worth.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have a large, lovely home, and even though it can be a lot of work and some expense, we love to host parties for friends a few times a year. Nothing over-the-top or extraordinary, but we go to pains to make sure the food we serve is good and plentiful, and that the atmosphere is conducive to relaxation and enjoyment.

We know that a good time is had by all. Very rarely does anyone decline an invitation. Some friends will bring a bottle of wine or flowers as a hostess gift, and we are always thanked on their way out. This is a group of about 10 to 15 people.

Here's our complaint: Never, after a handful of years of hosting, with the guest list changing slightly from time to time, do we get an invitation back from anyone. Whether it be for breakfast or a meal out, dinner at their house, just a cup of coffee or a drink -- nothing.

While we do love giving in this way to these people, would it be impossible to imagine that even one of them would extend us an invite to something, anything? We are starting to feel used. I know we should not give with the expectations of getting something back, but really? Nothing?

We can't help but wonder if they just don't like us and are using us for a socialization outlet. We have overheard them making plans with each other for various things, but it never extends to us. We feel like we are very nice, fun people ... but maybe not as fun as we think we are.

GENTLE READER: True, there are many who say that you should simply enjoy entertaining others without a thought of being entertained. But Miss Manners understands why you feel unloved.

Fewer and fewer people entertain at all these days. And many have the mistaken notion that you expect to be entertained in the same style.

So the test is whether these people reciprocate in other ways -- and no, handling off that bottle of wine at the door is not sufficient. Other acts of friendship would count: suggesting outings, offering rides or other conveniences, giving you unexpected small, well-chosen presents.

If you never hear from these people except when you invite them, it is time to devise a new guest list.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN