Weddings Lead To Too Much Scorekeeping
DEAR MISS MANNERS: In 2023, I gave my husband's niece a lovely wedding shower at a restaurant. It included lunch and mimosas. The luncheon was about $1,500 with gratuity. I also paid for the cake, favors and game prizes, to the tune of another $500. I also gave a gift ($100). Later that year, my husband gave the bride and groom another gift from their registry.
Our son (a cousin of the bride) and his then-fiancee lived in the same town as this couple, and they occasionally had dinner together. Our son and his fiancee gave a wedding gift to the bride.
The niece/bride is an attorney, her husband is a social media influencer and they are worth millions. They live in a million-dollar home.
Fast-forward to our son's wedding in 2024. It was in a town near where they all live. My son and his wife did not have a wedding shower. They do well themselves. My family came in from out of state and paid for their own hotel rooms, airfare and car rentals. My husband's family, niece included, drove to the wedding.
My family, with less resources, still managed to give small gifts. Other than one nephew, none of my husband's family gave gifts. The wedding cost my son and his wife over $200 per person.
When opening gifts after the honeymoon, my son and his wife were hurt that the niece and her husband gave nothing. But they had two gifts from the registry that didn't have cards, so he called the niece and asked if either of those were from the niece and her husband.
The niece said, "No, we didn't get you anything."
So, fast-forward again: The niece is pregnant and is having a baby shower. It will be in her hometown, near my son. I do not plan to attend. I do not plan to give a gift.
I would like to say something to her about reciprocity, but don't know if it is inappropriate, or if I should say something to the nephew (the one who gave a gift). What do you think?
GENTLE READER: That there is an awful lot of tallying up of who is owed what in this situation. And despite your repeatedly stating so, not enough fast-forwarding.
Reciprocity in giving presents is expected, but it is not obligatory.
The niece's frank response, however, was rude. Miss Manners will therefore sign off on your not attending her baby shower or getting her a present. But please spare both the niece and the unwitting nephew a lecture. The latter already behaved well, and the former does not care.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a close friend who gives gifts we are not wild about, but display anyway. If she does not see her gift when here, she will ask about it: where is it, don't you like it, etc.
She is a sweet lady, but so needy. So we take down art we enjoy and put up the cat-in-the-bathtub picture. No sense hurting her feelings, right? Your thoughts?
GENTLE READER: That you are a rare, good friend. Consider that every time you have to look at the cat in the bathtub.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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