Guess What? No One Likes Guessing Games
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an accent nerd, especially about accents from Great Britain and its current and former colonies. I like to guess where people are from once I've heard them speak (not necessarily to me).
In order to find out if my guess is correct, I have to start up a conversation with them. I usually start off by asking them if I am correct -- but not quite so bluntly. And then that usually leads to further conversation.
Is it rude to start a conversation with a stranger by asking which country they are from? I genuinely want to know their background, not just to find out if my guess was correct.
GENTLE READER: Here is an important general rule to apply to many such little ploys, including your own:
Never make guesses about people. Never, ever.
Do not guess where they are from, do not guess whether they are pregnant, do not guess how old they are -- just do not guess. And do not take this as permission to ask outright, instead. In any case, you should not be eavesdropping.
It may be true that if you guess right, you could start a conversation. But even a correct guess could imply that the person doesn't really belong here.
There are less intrusive ways to get to know people, but you have led Miss Manners to believe that friendship, or even acquaintanceship, is not your objective; rather, it is playing your little guessing game. Please stop.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are often invited to fundraisers by a couple in our circle of friends. They purchase a table or a package of tickets, which pays for our admission. Still, as these are fundraisers, the expectation lurks that we contribute monetarily.
I have begged off attending functions for organizations my conscience cannot support, but what about events for noncontroversial groups? In those cases, I simply would prefer not to pay money to socialize with friends I see all the time anyway.
This couple also attends dinners in all of our homes but never reciprocates, other than to invite us to these fundraisers. I don't think these are truly "hosted" events, since a contribution is expected.
My husband doesn't like it when I beg off by saying we have plans, as he thinks that's lying. I consider it a harmless white lie, and I don't know any other way to get out of the situation without hurt feelings.
An evening of mediocre food and drink and raise-the-paddle is not what we consider fun. Is there a more polite way to get ourselves off the invite list?
GENTLE READER: At last, we get to the real problem. It's not so much about contributing to the charity or having a conflicting engagement; it's that these events bore you.
So: Should you have to go, for the sake of the others involved?
If your husband honestly enjoys them, the answer is: probably. Well, occasionally. Miss Manners suspects that he is no more enthralled than you, but is concerned about your friends, who presumably do enjoy these things. Furthermore, it is their way of reciprocating your invitations.
She suggests saying how kind they are to include you at such events, but that you would prefer to see them on much less formal occasions, when you will have more of a chance to enjoy their company.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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