ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I'm writing because I can't tell if I'm being too sensitive or if I'm finally seeing something I've been ignoring for years.

I'm 46, married, and we have three kids (two teens and one in college). On paper, our life is good. We're busy, we're stable, we show up for school events and family birthdays. But lately I feel like I'm disappearing inside my own home.

My husband isn't cruel. He works hard and he'd say he loves me. But the day-to-day is starting to feel like I'm the household manager, the default parent, the calendar keeper, the meal planner, the one who knows where the permission slips are and which kid is quietly falling apart. If I don't initiate the "important" conversations, they don't happen. If I don't plan the date night, it doesn't exist. If I don't point out that I'm struggling, nobody notices.

The hard part is I've tried to talk about it and I end up feeling guilty. He'll say, "Just tell me what you need," or "I can't read your mind," or "I thought we were fine." And then I'm the one comforting him, backtracking, making it smaller so no one feels attacked. Meanwhile, I'm lying awake at night thinking, is this what marriage becomes? Two people running a life together while one person quietly carries the emotional weight?

What scares me is that I'm starting to feel resentful over little things: him relaxing while I clean, him being praised for "helping," him asking me what's for dinner like it's a surprise that dinner happens every day. I don't want to turn into a bitter person. I also don't want to wake up at 60 and realize I spent decades being "fine" while feeling lonely.

How do you ask for real partnership without making it sound like a courtroom argument? And how do you know if this is just a stressful season, or a sign that something deeper is missing? -- Tired of Carrying It All

Dear Tired: You're not too sensitive, and you're not alone. A lot of marriages slowly slide into a pattern where one person becomes the "air traffic controller" of the whole family, and it's exhausting in a way people don't always see.

When your husband says, "Just tell me what you need," he may think he's being helpful. But what you're asking for is not another task list. You're asking for shared ownership, shared noticing, shared caring. That's a different conversation.

Pick a calm moment and be specific, without building a case. Try: "I don't just need help. I need us to run this life together. I need you to notice what needs doing and take it on without being asked." Then choose two or three concrete changes that would make you feel less alone, like owning the school calendar, handling dinner two nights a week from start to finish or being the point person for one child's needs.

If he gets defensive, don't soothe it away. Stay steady and kind. Tell him something like, "I'm bringing this up because I love you and I don't want resentment to grow."

And if you two can't shift this on your own, a good couples counselor can translate before the distance hardens.

Ann Landers used to say the trouble with most of us is we'd rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism. Tell the truth kindly now, while there's still plenty to save.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.