ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I've been married for 16 years, and lately, I'm not sure I want to stay in this marriage.

I've always been the steady one -- the saver, the planner, the person who makes sure the bills get paid and there's something set aside for the future. My wife, on the other hand, has always been more impulsive when it comes to money. Over the years, I've watched her overspend and splurge without much thought, but I tried to keep things balanced.

She works as a nurse, and I've handled most of the financial responsibilities. Last year, I lost my job of seven years. Just two weeks later, she quit hers -- something she has a pattern of doing during high-pressure times, like right before the holidays or big family trips. Facing a financial crunch, I reluctantly pulled from my retirement savings -- money I had carefully put aside for our daughter's college tuition and for a future rental property investment.

I used those funds only for essentials: mortgage payments, car repairs and other immediate needs. I thought we were surviving. Then came the shock: My wife called and casually mentioned that she might've accidentally linked my credit card to her DoorDash account -- and now it was declining purchases.

When I checked, I discovered she had racked up nearly $20,000 in charges in just 11 months. Not just on food, but also health and beauty products, random Amazon orders and other retailers. She promised to pay it back, but the damage was done. That account was supposed to help secure our family's future.

I feel betrayed -- not just financially, but emotionally. Her spending feels selfish and out of touch with the reality we're facing. Now I'm struggling to figure out how we'll pay for our daughter's tuition or afford the down payment on the property we've been eyeing for months. I'm heartbroken, angry and unsure if this marriage is something I can or should continue.

Is this financial infidelity grounds for ending a marriage? Or am I being too rigid and unyielding? -- Feeling Used and Uncertain

Dear Used and Uncertain: You're not being too rigid. You're someone who has worked hard, planned ahead and done your best to care for your family -- and now you're wondering how things got so off track.

What your wife did isn't a minor slip. Running up nearly $20,000 on your account, especially when you were trying to keep your family afloat, shows a troubling lack of communication and accountability. And the timing -- quitting her job right after you lost yours -- is more than a coincidence. It's a pattern.

Marriage requires teamwork. If one person is constantly saving while the other is spending recklessly, resentment will build -- and it sounds like you're already there. This may not be about money alone; it's about trust and whether or not it can be rebuilt.

Before making any final decisions, consider talking with a financial adviser and a counselor. See if your wife is willing to make changes and take real responsibility. If not, you have every right to protect your future and your daughter's well-being -- even if that means walking away.

You've given a lot. Now it's time to decide what's healthiest for you.

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"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.