Dear Anna,

I’ve never been on a real date, and I’ve never been in a relationship. Whenever I’m asked on a “date,” it turns into a hookup really fast — or sometimes it was basically a booty call from the start. And like a dumb a**, I let it happen.

I’m tired of accepting that I’ll never be in a relationship and that I’ll always just be someone’s sex toy. Lately I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even care if they use me for pleasure, because at least I’m getting something out of it too. I don’t want to keep calling myself a h*e or a sl*t. I want something better for myself. I want to change this mindset that it’s OK to be used because it’s what I’m used to.

How do I stop being so sexually thirsty when a guy turns me on? How do I get a guy to want a relationship with me? How do I change my mindset? What can I do to show a man I’m worth being in a relationship with? — Tired of Being Temporary

Dear TBT,

OK. We’ll get to all your questions. But before we do that, we’re going to retire the way you talk about yourself. Immediately.

You’re not a “dumb a**.” You’re not a h*e. You’re not a sl*t. You are a person with desire. And desire is not a character flaw. Treat yourself with the respect you deserve — this is step one. If you’re cruel to yourself, it sets the tone for what you’ll tolerate from others.

What I’m hearing isn’t promiscuity. It’s longing. It’s someone who wants closeness and keeps settling for the fastest available version of it. And to be clear, there’s no shame in choosing casual sex — if you’re choosing it intentionally and it leaves you feeling good afterward.

But the problem isn’t that you’re “thirsty.” The problem is that you override your own standards the second chemistry shows up.

Attraction hits. You feel wanted. Your body lights up. And instead of asking, Is this person aligned with what I actually want? you think, Finally. I’ll take it.

That’s lust, yes. But it’s also scarcity. It’s settling for crumbs when what you want is the whole damn pie.

Scarcity usually comes from a quiet belief like: This is as good as it gets. Or: If I don’t take this now, I won’t get another chance. Or even: At least someone wants me. When attention feels rare, you grab it quickly. When connection feels abundant, you can afford to pace it.

And when you say you don’t care if they use you because you’re getting something out of it too? That’s you trying to reclaim power in a dynamic that doesn’t actually feel good. But borrowed power isn’t the same thing as self-respect.

TL;DR: You don’t need to become less sexual. You need to become more selective.

And let me be explicit: This is not about withholding sex to “capture” a man. Plenty of men want real relationships. Plenty of women want casual sex. Sex is not the villain here. The villain is doing something that feels exciting in the moment but leaves you ashamed the next day.

And what about that next-day crash? That’s your values tapping you on the shoulder. When your behavior and your deeper desires are out of sync, shame shows up as the alarm system.

If you want a relationship, you have to date like someone who wants one. That means:

No going to his house on the first hang.

No “chilling” at midnight.

No pretending you’re fine with casual if you’re not.

No accelerating intimacy just because the vibe is hot.

You slow things down. On purpose.

And yes, that will feel uncomfortable. Because right now, sex may be doing more than just scratching an itch. It may be soothing loneliness or even abandonment issues. Regulating insecurity. Providing instant proof that you’re desirable. That’s powerful reinforcement. Of course it’s hard to resist.

But desire isn’t an emergency. If the chemistry is real, it won’t evaporate because you waited.

So next time? Practice sitting with attraction. Tell him in advance you don’t kiss on first dates. Flirt. Feel it. Go home. Let anticipation build. See who calls the next day. See who plans something intentional. See who invests.

You asked how to get a guy to want a relationship with you. You don’t. You filter for men who already want one. Ask early what they’re looking for. Believe them when they tell you. Walk away when it doesn’t align.

You also asked how to show a man you’re “worth” being in a relationship with.

You don’t prove worth through sexual restraint or availability. You demonstrate worth by having boundaries — and honoring them. By saying, “I’m looking for something real.” By tolerating short-term loneliness instead of long-term self-abandonment.

That’s the trade.

You’re not trying to become more celibate. You’re trying to become less available to people who don’t meet your standards.

The mindset shift isn’t “I must stop being used.” It’s “I don’t participate in dynamics that leave me feeling disposable.”

You want something better for yourself? Good. That starts with behaving like someone who believes better is possible.

And it absolutely is.

©2026 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.