ArcaMax

As I perused the latest fashion magazine, I noticed something about the models.

They all had big eyebrows. Big, perfect eyebrows. Big, sculpted, perfectly groomed and arched eyebrows.

And I did not.

Not that I'm comparing myself to a model, because that would be impossible on just so many levels. I could not make myself 6 feet tall, 115 pounds and willowy without a body transplant. But I could have fabulous brows. Apparently, all I needed to achieve uber-eyebrows was a kit.

"This eyebrow kit has a dark wax to define and shape your brows, along with a setting powder," said the eyebrow lady at the eyebrow salon. "There is also a brush to create an arch for your brows and another to help fill them in. You also get a stencil to get the perfect shape and a lighter pencil to go under your brows to help highlight the arch. And there is a trimmer to help with the unruly eyebrow hairs that can't be tamed."

I looked at the array of tools and counted. All total, there were seven items needed to achieve the perfect eyebrow. That was more than all the other products I used on my whole body every day. Still, I was curious to see what I would look like with fabulous brows, so I jumped in the beauty brow chair and let her work her eyebrow magic on me. When she was done, I actually looked like a supermodel ... from the eyebrows up.

I was so excited I bought the kit for a gazillion dollars and ran home to give it a try. I scrubbed off my perfect, professionally shaped eyebrows and followed the at-home directions.

It took me an hour, and when I was done they looked amazing. ...

If I wanted to look like Jack Nicholson.

I recognized the problem: The arch was too high, making me look like someone surprised me, all the time. I added some more color under my arch. It was an improvement.

Now I looked like Eugene Levy.

Thinking it might help, I extended the brow line in both directions. Now I looked like my Great Uncle Hy, who had eyebrows so big and thick, they looked like they could reach out and shake your hand. His eyebrows were so legendary, we actually called him Great Uncle Hybrows.

At this point I was pretty sure the Jack Nicholson-Eugene Levy-Old Jewish Man look was A) not the eyebrow trend I'd seen in the magazines, B) would probably scare small children and C) actually made me look like a schnauzer.

I decided to wash the whole thing off and try again.

This time I pointed the stencil down and filled it in a little darker. Now I looked like a villain from a Disney movie. The dog took one look at me and ran out of the room. I'm convinced he thought I was Cruella de Vil.

After my fourth try, I decided I did not have the talent, money or time to continue this endeavor. So I did the one thing I knew would give me great eyebrows like the magazine models.

I cut them out of the magazine and taped them to my face.

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Tracy Beckerman is the author of the Amazon Bestseller, "Barking at the Moon: A Story of Life, Love, and Kibble," available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble online! You can visit her at www.tracybeckerman.com.

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