ArcaMax

Eyes up, children. It's 2025, and you can say goodbye to Takis and Mountain Dew Code Red by the pool. Government is getting more efficient, and fast. That means everyone will have to work harder, including those of you with a still-soft prefrontal cortex.

It's time you learned a few things about life. We're dumping boring meetings held in drafty conference rooms in favor of planning military strikes via emoji. And waste? We don't know her. Not a penny will be spent on nonessentials, starting with food for poor people and salaries for lazy federal workers. Will seniors have to work forever? Stay tuned, but someone has to fluff the pillow in the coffin.

Don't think you kids are getting through the next few years without old-fashioned elbow grease. Performing low-income labor with negligible government protections builds character, OK? Do you think Spider-Man would have saved all those citizens from the octopus guy if Aunt May had had access to subsidized child care? Do you think Batman would have become so vengeful and skilled with a grappling hook had his parents not been murdered, leaving him to become self-reliant at an early age? Of course not, you luxuriant fools!

Fledglings, you shall obtain a compelling origin story if you put down the TikkyTokky and max out your clocked hours. This call to work is not a task but an esteemed honor. Florida and the greater U.S. are attempting to deport many migrant workers under orders of President Donald Trump. That leaves a tremendous hole in our proletariat. The immigration crackdown dovetails nicely with an ongoing push by a lobbying group that has tried for years to strip silly child workplace protections.

According to Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, your precious, uncalloused hands are needed in our grocery stores and tourist resorts to help offset the migrants' "dirt cheap" labor. That is how things were done when he was younger, which is the only litmus test needed in a discussion of everyone's civil rights.

The current child labor laws are too lax with opportunities for kids to become educated. A proposal sponsored by Republican state Sen. Jay Collins of Tampa would allow tater tots as young as 14 -- that's FOR-TEE if you squint -- to work overnight shifts and more.

Currently, you tiny idiots aged 16 and 17 aren't allowed to work before 6:30 a.m. or after 11 p.m. on a school day, practically a tropical vacation. And get this: Most of you can't even work when school is in session. You're capped at 30 hours unless your parent or superintendent waives the limit.

Now, you may be saying, what's wrong with that? If my parent can already let me work more hours, why remove the protection for everyone else? Well, you see, we don't want kids with involved adults in the workforce. These children are vastly less exploitable than those forced to support their families.

And don't expect guaranteed breaks. Breaks are for the weak, for subpar beta boys who are constantly like, "Wah-wah-wah, I want a legal protection that ensures 15 minutes to eat a sandwich because I need kilocalories to survive, boo-hoo."

Here's an idea: How about you stop sponging off the government via egregious handouts like free lunch and time for your brains to release growth hormones? Whippersnappers all over this great nation are getting back to work and proving their worth by having as little free time as possible.

It's Oliver Twist time, you ankle biters. It's Miss Hannigan's hour of glory. You are a faceless entity, a concept, a passel of acne-prone data points poised to patch gaps in our broken system and come out the other side a hardened victim of American hustle culture. No, you do not deserve special treatment under the law. Who do you think you are, Batman?

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on X or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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