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ArcaMax

More Thoughts About Pigs and Sheep

Humor / Jokes /

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

Why can't pigs look up into the sky?

Why do pigs have curly tails?

Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn?

Why is it that the first thing we try to do ...Read more

Unscheduled Outage

Humor / Jokes /

It's thunderstorm season and when the power goes out at one branch office, the uninterruptible power supplies kick in, everything gracefully shuts down, and the technician waits for power to return. And waits. And waits.

"Late evening sees the power restored, and we go about bringing the network back to life," says the tech.

Next morning, the ...Read more

Psych Treatment

Humor / Jokes /

A woman called her insurance company to see if her policy covered psychiatric treatment.

After reviewing her policy, the agent told her, "Yes, Virginia, there is an insanity clause!"

Not Watching

Humor / Jokes /

Are you all watching the Olympics? They're getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn't aired yet. This afternoon NBC apologized saying, "We're just not used to people watching our network!"

Conan O'Brien

Drawing the Impossible

Humor / Jokes /

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

...Read more

Easy Trader Joe's Recipes for Your News Cycle Anxiety

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

It's another bustling week in these United States. I've taken the liberty of rounding up quick, easy recipe ideas to soften the grind of work, kids, bills and the unremitting despair of cognitive dissonance in the face of a 24-hour news cycle. Besides, everyone loves Trader Joe's!

Shaved steak and noodles: Combine thin-sliced beef with Thai ...Read more

Ploughing the Land

Humor / Jokes /

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in ...Read more

Looking Back on Photos

Humor / Jokes /

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's ...Read more

Greek Olympics

Humor / Jokes /

The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.

Conan O'Brien

Math is Turning Bad

Humor / Jokes /

"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed.

"What are you selling?" I asked.

"Geometrical algebra drugs."

"Huh!?"

"Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers..."

"Stop right there," I ...Read more

The Internet

Humor / Jokes /

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to acess the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with fingers poised...Read more

Home after all

Humor / Jokes /

Housewife: "How did you know I was home? My son told you I was out"

Salesman: "It was easy Lady. He was mowing the lawn."

Dealing With Telemarketers pt. 3

Humor / Jokes /

... continued from above

Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, “OH MY GOSH!” and then hang up.

Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers ...Read more

Snail Time

Humor / Jokes /

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the heck was that all about?"

The Engineer

Humor / Jokes /

An engineer dies and reports to hell.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with ...Read more

Arguing

Humor / Jokes /

The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a ...Read more

Morgan Spector Talks Gilded Age and the Time He Tripped on LSD and Hallucinated His Late-Night Debut

Humor / Jokes /

Morgan Spector talks about the time he thought he was making his late-night debut while tripping out at a county fair, starring in The Gilded Age and launching his acting career in the Broadway play A View From the Bridge alongside Scarlett Johansson and Liev Schreib

Seth MacFarlane Sings Cyndi Lauper’s Greatest Hits As Stewie and Peter Griffin

Humor / Jokes /

All of our dreams have come true as today Seth MacFarlane sings Cyndi Lauper's greatest hits as Family Guy characters Stewie and Peter Griffin.

Beth Behrs Accidentally Grabbed Kat Dennings' Boob | CONAN on TBS

Humor / Jokes /

CONAN Highlight: Beth was in the middle of dissing "DuckTales" when she accidentally got to second base with Kat.

The Late Show Band Cuts New Endorsement Deals

Humor / Jokes /

Have you seen these new commercials starring members of The Late Show Band?

 

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