Once again, it’s time to festoon ourselves with garlands, fire up the twinkle lights and examine the very special cinematic universe that is Netflix Christmas movies. This year brings four new ones, filled with holiday sweaters and adorable, if sparsely stocked, retail establishments (seriously, this is sort of a theme). And I watched and rated them all. Now, will somebody please bring me a frosted cookie and some eggnog? Happy holidays to us all!

“A Merry Little Ex-Mas”

The premise: Kate (Alicia Silverstone) and Everett (Oliver Hudson), long-married parents of two mostly grown-up children, are getting divorced — but Kate, who is kind of a lot, is determined that they will still celebrate their traditional family Christmas together. These plans are affected, however, when Kate learns about Everett’s frighteningly chic girlfriend Tessa (Jameela Jamil), who cheerfully points out that this whole situation is like the movie “The Holiday,” except “in that movie, the ex-wife is dead.” Merry merry!

The setting: The fictional, snow-laden town of Winterlight, Vermont, and yes, that’s really its name, and it absolutely looks like a Norman Rockwell painting; somebody observes that living there is like growing up in a Yankee Candle. Kate lives in a gingerbread house come to life — seriously, I burst out laughing when I saw it; you have never seen such cuteness — that everyone refers to as The Mothership for some reason. The town also boasts the world’s most adorable hardware store, which does not appear to actually stock any hardware.

The naughty: The screenplay, which makes Kate a mess of contradictions — this woman is so eco-conscious she won’t let her kids shop retail, and yet lives in an enormous house lit top-to-bottom with Christmas lights. To Silverstone’s credit, she mostly sells this character; it’s as if Cher from “Clueless,” 30 years later, moved to Vermont and got obsessed with found-object Christmas décor.

The nice: Kate and Everett’s cute habit of calling each other Betty and Al (it’s a Paul Simon thing), and Kate’s impressive collection of holiday aprons. Actually, a lot of this movie is pretty cute, approaching the platonic ideal of a Netflix holiday movie. (In short: former teen star, snow, more white-lit Christmas trees than you ever thought possible.) Also delightful: a person who gets to deliver a line beginning, “As the mayor of Winterlight and your friend …” and then goes on to give romantic advice. I am going to start saying this myself when delivering advice.

The décor: Perfect small-town charm, right down to the ever-falling snow and the many, many artfully lit swags in Kate’s home.

Rating: 3.5 lights

“Champagne Problems”

The premise: Sydney (Minka Kelly), a high-powered executive with extremely selective lactose intolerance (yes, I’m sorry, this is an actual plot point), is in Paris over the holiday to land a storied Champagne account — but finds out, as one does, that Henri, the cute Parisian (Tom Wozniczka) with whom she had a romantic fling the night before her meeting, is actually the son of the Champagne company’s founder. Oops!

The setting: Two settings, both of them delightful: Paris, drenched in sparkling lights and a subdued French version of holiday cheer, and the Champagne mogul’s picturesque château in the country, dusted in snow and looking like a Christmas card.

The naughty: Sydney and Henri are, alas, extremely boring, particularly since this movie insists on surrounding them with minor characters who are far more entertaining. I was particularly fond of a dour German potential buyer of the Champagne business who likes to talk about how “in Germany, ‘Die Hard’ is considered a tragedy”; a tightly wound French executive who commits the extremely French act of cheese sabotage; and a cheerful gazillionaire with a habit of “premature congratulations.” Wait, who are Sydney and Henri again, and why do I care? And why is Sydney, on the night before the most important meeting of her professional life, running around Paris buying American self-help books (???) and tilting her head cutely at Henri? Is this movie’s unspoken secret that Sydney is very, very bad at her job?

The nice: I am delighted to inform you that this movie includes a very photogenic dog in a Santa outfit, not to mention an excellent villain — he’s a scheming colleague of Sydney’s — who has the sort of wickedly precise blond highlights that signal a dark heart.

The décor: Fairly restrained, as Netflix holiday movies go; the halls of that château are tastefully decked but not over-the-top. Bonus points, though, for a scene involving light-strewn horse-drawn carriages, and for the extremely well-distributed snow. French snow is, apparently, a bit more stylish than American snow.

Rating: 3 lights (including an extra half star solely for the dog)

“Jingle Bell Heist”

The premise: A pair of cute small-time thieves, Sophie (Olivia Holt) and Nick (Connor Swindells), plot to rob the posh London department store where Sophie works as a clerk. Call it, I don’t know, a holiday-themed “Ocean’s Two.” Their plans seem ambitious, particularly as Sophie and Nick don’t seem like the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree, but hey, robbing the Louvre in real life apparently wasn’t that hard, was it? And of course they end up falling for each other, because it’s that kind of movie.

The setting: London at Christmastime, where the streets are bustling and jingle bells are ringing. Much of the action takes place at Sterling’s, a fictional and not entirely plausible department store whose main sales floor seems curiously empty of merchandise.

The naughty: This movie does not have the courage of its convictions, if that is something that can be said for a Netflix Christmas movie, and we quickly learn that Sophie and Nick aren’t really thieves but nice people who have had bad things happen to them. Which is not as much fun as if they were just sort of evil; “Jingle Bell Heist” needs more com in its rom.

The nice: That being said, I did appreciate the sprightly costume details, such as Nick and Sophia dressing for the heist in cutely coordinating striped outfits for some reason, or the hat worn by the store owner’s scheming wife (Lucy Punch) that makes her look as if her head is surrounded by tiny black birds in flight. Also charming: Nick’s flatmate Ralph (Michael Salami), who wears a wizard’s hat decorated in tinsel and makes random comments like “You ever been to a mass gathering of Shreks?”

The décor: Despite Sterling’s lack of product inventory, it is VERY nicely decorated with elaborate trees and lights everywhere.

Rating: 2.5 lights

“My Secret Santa”

The premise: A single mother named Taylor (Alexandra Breckenridge), who has lost her job as a cookie inspector and is desperate to earn money to pay for her daughter to attend an elite snowboarding academy (the preceding phrase feels like it was written by a Netflix Christmas movie bot, doesn’t it?), disguises herself as an older man in order to get a job playing Santa at a resort hotel. In other words, kind of a holiday version of “Mrs. Doubtfire,” minus Robin Williams. And, because this is a Netflix rom-com, Taylor meets a blandly handsome fellow named Matthew (Ryan Eggold) who has excellent taste in overcoats — and who turns out to be the manager of the resort. Complications!

The setting: The fictional Sun Peaks, a reasonably posh ski resort in a generic mountain town … somewhere?

The naughty: Well, there’s a scene where someone thinks Santa is having a sexual encounter in a bathroom stall — but it all turns out quite innocently. It’s part of a lengthy fast-costume-changing sequence that’s a complete rip-off of “Mrs. Doubtfire,” just not as funny. Really nothing about this movie makes any sense (Taylor is some sort of former rock star? Matthew is the son of the resort owner, but a “free spirit”? Taylor’s teenager is an angelic creature from outer space who just wants her mom to be happy?), but ho-ho-ho.

The nice: Kudos to the makeup department, for turning Breckenridge into a reasonably plausible and extremely twinkly Santa, and to the spin that Tia Mowry, as a scheming colleague (someone in every Netflix Christmas movie is required to be a schemer), puts on the line “This man is an impostor!” like she’s been waiting to deliver it for years. And really, Matthew’s overcoat game is very solid.

The décor: This movie very weirdly takes place in what appears to be an actual universe: Taylor’s single-mom apartment is quite modest and barely holiday-decorated at all, and the resort hotel is your basic bland corporate box with a few garlands and department store Christmas trees thrown in. Which means this movie, though realistic, is an abject failure as a Netflix Christmas movie, despite the presence of Santa. I’m sorry, but I need to be firm here: A Netflix Christmas movie needs to have warm-white string lights and festive swags of greenery EVERYWHERE, so much so that you fear for these fictional people’s electric bill and/or the denuded shrubbery they left behind. I do not make up these rules, friends; I merely enforce them.

Rating: 2 lights

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What Moira thought of Netflix's Christmas movies

1 light: Not even worth hate-watching

2 lights: If there's nothing else to watch, try this

3 lights: Watchable, some semblance of plot

4 lights: Cute, heartwarming

5 lights: A classic to rewatch every year

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